1 Corinthians: Absurdity
- Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe
Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did it to anyone else. 1:14-16
- God saves fools and is pleased with their foolishness. 1:21
- God has "chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise."
- If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know nothing (except
for Jesus, of course). 2:2-5
- One saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos; are ye not carnal?" Or confused, maybe? 3:4
- "If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself
shall be saved; yet so as by fire." 3:15
- Christians who want to be wise must become fools. But then they'll have a
problem since fools shall not stand in the sight of God (Psalm 5:5) 3:18-20
- "We are fools for Christ's sake."
Christians are "fools for Christ's sake" and therefore shall not stand in the sight
of God (Psalm 5:5). 4:10
- Paul establishes his own cult (Christianity) by telling others to follow him. 4:16
- "Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?"
Believers will get to judge angels after they die. Who knew? 6:3
- A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:6-7
- Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members of an harlot?" He further asks,
"Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16
- "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord." Really? So this stuff is in scripture but is not inspired
by God? 7:12
- "The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is
sanctified by the husband." (You can get saved by marrying a believer!) 7:14
- "Else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."
The children of nonbelievers are unclean. (But believers' kids are holy.) 7:14
- Paul says those who are circumcised should "not become uncircumcised." (It's pretty hard to undo.)
- Slaves should not desire their freedom. Yet they should not be the servants of men.
- "Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment." So this is just Paul's opinion
and is not divinely inspired scripture? 7:25
- Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So there's
no time for sex or marriage, since the world will be ending soon. 7:29
- "Knowldedge puffeth up."
Knowledge is bad. 8:1
- "If any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing." 8:2
- "As concerning therefore the eating of those things that are offered in
sacrifice unto idols...."
The short answer (that you'll find scattered around in this chapter) is this: Go ahead and eat animals that
were sacrificed to other gods. Try not to do it, though, when weaker
Christians are watching. You don't want to scandalize the weaklings, do you? 8:4
- Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to eat and then rise up to play. 10:7
- If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from snake bites.
- If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10
- Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils.
- "If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake."
Don't ask. Don't tell. 10:27
- In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I should
not be the servant of Christ." In this verse he says, "I
please all men in all things." Therefore Paul is not the servant of Christ. 10:33
- Paul says that everyone should follow him -- not Jesus. He'll take care of all that for you.
- "Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat dishonors his head." 11:4
- "Every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven."
- "A man ... is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man." 11:7
- Every women should have power on her head because of the angels. 11:10
- "Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?" 11:13
- "If a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him." 11:14
- But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her." 11:15
- Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and die. (And then go to hell.) 11:30
- "Believeth all things" 13:7
- "Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail."
Paul prophesies that all prophecies will fail. But since this itself is a prophecy, it also will
fail (if the prophecy is correct), making it a false prophecy. 13:8
- "He that speaketh in an unknown tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God:
for no man understandeth him." 14:2
- "He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself." 14:4
- "I would that ye all spake with tongues." 14:5
- "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all." 14:18
- "Tongues are ... a sign ... to them that believe not." (That believers are bat-shit crazy.) 14:22
- "If therefore the whole church ... speak with tongues, and there
come in those that are ... unbelievers, will they not say that ye are mad?" 14:23
- "If any man speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by
three, and that by course; and let one interpret." 14:27
- "If there be no interpreter, let him keep silence in the church; and let him speak to himself, and to God."
(If you don't have an "interpreter", STFU.) 14:28
- "But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant." 14:38
- "He was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve."
But Judas hanged himself (Matthew 27:3-5) and Matthias was not elected
(Acts 1:9-26) until after the ascension. 15:5
- "If the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?" This is the verse
that the Mormons use to justify their belief in the baptism of the dead. 15:29
- Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed
must be alive to germinate. 15:36