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Matthew

1. Jesus says that divorce is permissible when the wife is guilty of fornication. But what if the husband is unfaithful? Jesus doesn't seem to care about that. 5:32, 19:9

2. When Jesus' mother wants to see him, Jesus asks, "Who is my mother?" 12:47-49

3. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 19:29

4. "Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days." Why? Does God especially hate pregnant and nursing women? 24:19

5. The kingdom of heaven like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't. When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night. The bridegroom shunned the other five, saying "Get lost. I don't even know you." The moral to the story is this: watch out, you never know when (or with whom) Jesus will come.25:1-13

   Mark

6. Jesus shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my mother, or my brethren?" when he is told that his family wants to speak with him. 3:31-34

7. Jesus will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30

8. In the last days God will make things especially rough on pregnant women. 13:17

   Luke

9. "They had no child, because that Elisabeth was barren."
   Oh God, another barren woman! It's always the woman's fault in the Bible. 1:7

10. Even Mary had to be "purified" after giving birth to Jesus. Was she defiled by giving birth to the Son of God? 2:22

11. Males are holy to God, not females. 2:23

12. Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and children to follow Jesus. 5:11

13. Jesus, when told that his mother and brothers want to see him, ignores and insults them by saying that his mother and brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it. 8:20-21

14. Jesus insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28

15. Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 18:29-30

    John

16. "Woman, what have I to do with thee?"
    And his most blessed mother said unto him, "I'm your fucking mother, you jerk." (Or words to that effect.) 2:4

17. Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously. (He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.) Since women weren't allowed to get a divorce, it was always the woman's fault and divorced women were considered outcasts. This was a great opportunity for Jesus to explain why the Mosaic marriage laws were unjust and correct them -- if he thought they were wrong, that is, which apparently he didn't. 4:7-18

18. Jesus tells Mary Magdalene not to touch him because he hasn't yet ascended -- as if the touch of a woman would defile him and somehow prevent him from ascending into heaven. 20:17

    Acts

19. Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land. 5:1-10

20. If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family (including your wife, of course) will be saved. 16:31

21. The jailer was so impressed with the holy jailbreak that he converted on the spot. He and his entire family were baptized that night. It didn't matter to Paul (or God) what the jailer's wife and kids thought about it. They were "his" so he could do whatever the hell he wanted with (or to) them. 16:33

    Romans

22. Paul explains that "the natural use" of women is to act as sexual objects for the pleasure of men. 1:27

    1 Corinthians

23. Paul would prefer that no one marry. but he says "to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife." 7:1-2

24. "Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife." 7:27

25. Paul says "the head of the woman is the man," meaning that the women are to be subordinate to men. 11:3

26. If a woman refuses to cover her head in church, then her her head must be shaved. 11:5-6

27. "A man ... is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man." 11:7

28. "For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man." 11:8

29. "Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." 11:9

30. Every women should have power on her head because of the angels. 11:10

31. "Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?" 11:13

32. Women are commanded by Paul to be silent in church and to be obedient to men. He further says that "if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in church." 14:34-35

    2 Corinthians

    Galatians

    Ephesians

33. Wives must submit to their husbands "in every thing" as though they were Christ. "For the husband is the head of the wife." 5:22-24

34. Wives must reverence their husband. 5:33

    Philippians

    Colossians

35. Wives, according to Paul, must submit themselves to their husbands. 3:18

    1 Thessalonians

36. Every man should know how to possess his penis or his wife (depending on the translation) in a holy way. 4:4

    2 Thessalonians

    1 Timothy

37. Women are to dress modestly, "with shamefacedness" -- "not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." 2:9

38. "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." 2:11-12

39. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15

40. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2

41. Honoring widows indeed 5:3-10

    You should help a widow only if she:

    1. Has no children or nephews
    2. Is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time
    3. Is not living in pleasure
       (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead)
    4. Is over 60 years old
    5. Had only one husband
    6. Has raised children
    7. Has lodged strangers
    8. Has washed the saints' feet
    9. Has relieved the afflicted
    10. Has diligently followed every good work

42. Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15

    2 Timothy

43. In the last days, "silly women" who are "ever learning" will be "led away with divers lusts." 3:6-7

    Titus

44. A bishop should have only one wife. I guess it's OK for laymen to have several. 1:6-7

45. "Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands." 2:4-5

    Philemon

    Hebrews

    James

    1 Peter

46. Peter orders all wives to be "in subjection" to their husbands. 3:1

47. Wives are to use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." They are not to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on any "apparel." They are to do these things in imitation of the "holy" women of the Old testament who were "in subjection to their won husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord." 3:2-6

48. In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7

    2 Peter

49. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later (19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

    1 John

50. John writes to the men (fathers) only. Women (mothers?) are not important enough to address. 2:13-14

    2 John

    3 John

    Jude

    Revelation

51. Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and eaten by dogs [2 Kg.9:33-37]) is further reviled by John, saying "that woman Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication." 2:20

52. Jesus will "cast her [Jezebel] into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her." 2:22

53. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

54. Drinking the wine of her fornication. 14:8

55. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

56. "And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs." 17:6

57. "All nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her." 18:3

58. The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. 19:2