"Lest ... they go a whoring after their gods ... and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy
sons go a whoring after their gods." 34:15-16
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a
"running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him
that is clean ..." 15:1-15
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself,
your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible.
15:16-18, 32
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water,
and be unclean until the even." 15:18
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them
to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is
apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman.
18:19
Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now
you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23
If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out.
18:25
Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it
when God talks dirty?) 20:5
Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring"
after them either. 20:6
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God."
21:20
A man who has a "running issue" or "whose seed goeth from
him" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be
clean." 22:3-5
God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your
nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20
"And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?"
12:14
The people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab." 25:1
Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
23:2
God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst
of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
God says not be bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination
to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18
"The tender and delicate woman"
will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet."
28:56-57
God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him
five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17
"If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22
"Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth
against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall".
25:34
Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10,
16:11, 21:21
God promises to "bring evil upon the house of Jerobaom" and says he will "cut off" anyone "that pisseth
against the wall." God further explains that after he kills them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are city
dwellers) or fowls (if they are country folk). 14:10-11
"I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall."
14:10
"Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat:
for the LORD hath spoken it." 14:11
"He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks,
nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD."
Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth
against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." 16:11-12
"Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine."
God says that dogs with lick Ahab's blood. But Jezebel, not Ahab, was repsonsible for Naboth's death.
21:19
"Behold, I will bring evil upon thee,
and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall."
God will "bring evil upon" Ahab and kill everyone in his family "that
pisseth against the wall." 21:21
Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work
wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs. (He
also plans to feed the city folk to the dogs and country folks to the birds.)
21:23-25
The dogs shall eat Jezebel."
Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her,
God will feed her dead body to the dogs. He also plans to feed Ahab's family to the dogs (if they live in the city)
and to the birds (if they are country folks). 21:23-25
Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out
of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. 22:43, 46
"For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall."
9:8
God has Jezebel thrown off a wall. Her blood is sprinkled on the wall and on the horses, by which she is
trampled. Her body is eaten by dogs and all that remains of it is her hands, feet, and skull. God says that she "shall be
as dung upon the face of the field." 9:33-37
But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring
after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed before them." 5:25-26
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's
not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity
was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good
reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14
God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't.
Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8
God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can wash their feet "in the blood
of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same." 68:21, 23
The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins
continually to shake." 69:23-28
"They that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee." 73:27
The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which became as dung for the earth."
83:9-18
"Thus were they defiled with their own works, and went a whoring with their own inventions." 106:39
And it shall come to pass, that instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink." 3:24
God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair,
respectively. 7:20
God causes the Egyptians to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit."
19:14
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord."
23:17-18
"All tables are full of vomit and filthiness." 28:8
Talking about graven images Isaiah says, "thou shalt cast them away as a menstrous cloth." 30:22
"Tremble, ye women that are at ease .. strip you, and make you bare ... They shall lament for the teats."
32:11-12
What other book besides the Bible talks about people eating "their own dung" and drinking "their own piss?" And to
think Bible believers object to the language in Tom Sawyer! 36:12
"I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with
their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26
Ye sons of the sorceress, the seed of the adulterer and the whore."
You sons of witches, adulterers, and whores! 57:3
God will cover the earth with dead bodies that
will not be buried. "They shall be for dung upon the face of the
earth." 8:2
Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26
"For the greatness of thine iniquity are thy skirts discovered, and thy heels made bare." 13:22
God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen
her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it!
13:26-27
God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's
going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous
deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth."
16:1-7
"Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall,
and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send among you." 27:27
God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to
mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be dung upon the ground."
16:4, 25:31-33
Jeremiah asks God to make Moab drunk, and predicts that Moab will "wallow in his
vomit." 48:26
God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of
man." (Yum!) 4:12
God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments
her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:6-7, 22
Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by. If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men."
16:15-17
"Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with
them." 16:17
"Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25
"Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem
had sex with Egyptians with big penises.) 16:26
Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the the well-endowed Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans,
and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto [her] on every side." 16:28-29
God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30
God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in unto thee on every side."
16:32-33
Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness
before all of her lovers. 16:35-37
After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once
more. 16:38-41
"I will consume thy filthiness out of thee." 22:15
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and
bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was
discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the
surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off"
her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death.
23:1-49
"Their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity." 23:3
"Thus she committed her whoredoms with them ... with all their idols she defiled herself." 23:7
"They bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." 23:8
"And the Babylonians came
to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom,
and she was polluted with them." 23:17
"So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness ... she multiplied her whoredoms." 23:18-19
Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers
"whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
23:20
"The lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth." 23:21
"Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34
God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh,
saying "kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be
burned." 24:3-14
God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer.
1:2-3
God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks
them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or
he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their mother hath played the
harlot." 2:4-5
Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom. 4:10
If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13
Even more whoredom! "They have committed whoredom continually." 4:14-18
While insulting the Pharisees and Sadducees, John the Baptist calls an entire generation a "generation
of vipers." 3:7
Jesus often called people names. One of his favorites was to call his adversaries a "generation of vipers."
12:34
The ever-so-kind Jesus calls the Pharisees "hypocrites, wicked, and adulterous."
16:3-4
When Peter expressed his dismay about Jesus'
coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me,
Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 16:23
Jesus speaks harshly of his disciples when they fail to cast out the devil, saying "O faithless and
perverse generation, how long shall I be with you?" 17:17
Jesus calls his critics fools, hypocrites, serpents, vipers, killers of the prophets, and just about every
other name he can think of. 23:13-37
"It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it unto the dogs." 7:27
"Get thee behind me, Satan." When Peter expressed his dismay about Jesus'
coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me,
Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 8:33
"This adulterous and sinful generation"
Jesus accuses an entire generation (his contemporaries) of sinfulness and adultery.
8:38
Jesus gets mad at his disciples for failing to cast out a devil and says, "O faithless generation, how long shall I be with
you? how long shall I suffer you? 9:19
John the Baptist calls all of his contemporaries "a generation of vipers."
3:7
"O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with
you, and suffer you?" 9:41
Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards
(Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
Jesus calls the people hypocrites because they cannot "discern this time." 12:56
The man (whoever he was) who talked with the two unnamed apostles on the way to Emmaus calls them "fools,"
thereby making himself a candidate for "hell fire." (Mt.5:22) 24:25
"Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears.... Ye
have been now the betrayers and murderers." 7:51
"Thou child of the devil, thou enemy of all righteousness" 13:10
"And when they [the Jews of Corinth] opposed themselves, and blasphemed, he [Paul] shook his raiment, and
said unto them, Your blood be upon your own heads." (Have a nice day?) 18:6
Paul has kind words for everyone. Here he says to the high priest, "God will smite thee, thou whited wall." 23:3
Paul calls people fools, thus making himself worthy of "hell fire."
(Mt.5:22) 1:22
I'm not sure who Paul is talking about here, but they're all a bunch of proud, wicked, malicious,
deceitful murderers, backbiters, and God-haters. 1:28-31
Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members
of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined to an
harlot is one body?" 6:15-16
Paul calls people fools, thereby making himself eligible for "hell fire" (according to the
words of Jesus in Mt.5:22). 15:36
If anyone dares to disagree with Paul on religious matters, "let him be
accursed." 1:8-9
Paul calls the Galatians "foolish" and
thus makes himself worthy of hell fire. (Mt.5:22) 3:1
"I would they were even cut off which trouble you." Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul
meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would
castrate themselves!" 5:12
"Beware of dogs ... beware of the concision." I'm not sure who Paul is calling
"dogs" here, but it's probably the Jews -- those of "the
circumcision," as opposed to Christians, who are of the "true circumcision."
3:23:2
Paul accuses "the Jews" of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets, displeasing God, and being "contrary to
all men." He concludes that the wrath of God will "come upon them to the uttermost.
2:15-16
Young widows are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which
they ought not." He adds that "some are already turned aside after Satan."
5:11-13
The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth.
Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet
colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the
"filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying:
"Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the
Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5
"And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the
blood of the martyrs." 17:6
"All nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the
earth have committed fornication with her." 18:3
God will send plagues, death, and famine on Babylon, and the kings "who have committed
fornication with her" will be sad to see her burn. 18:8-9
The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. 19:2
"Come ... unto the supper of the great God." An angel calls all the fowls to feast
upon the flesh of dead horses and human bodies, "both free and bond, both small and great."
19:17-18
I'm not sure who the
"dogs" are in this verse. (Some say they are homosexuals.) But whoever
they are, John condemns them all to hell. 22:15
Get the SAB