The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring
genealogy like that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4
("Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies") and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and
genealogies"). 1:1-17
Judah "went in unto" his
daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and
bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen.38:2-29)
1:3
There are 29 generations listed from David to
Jesus in Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31)
has 43. Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, there are only three names in the
two lists that are the same. 1:6-16
John has a good point in v.14. If Jesus is the sinless Son of God, then
shouldn't Jesus be baptizing John instead of the reverse? Isn't baptism supposed to forgive sins and be a sign of repentance?
If so, then why would Jesus need to be baptized? And what the heck is "it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness" supposed to
mean? 3:14-15
The Son of God is led by the Spirit of God to be tempted by the devil.
4:1
Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of
oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible
swear to tell the truth. 5:34-37
"But if thine eye be evil...." There's nothing worse than an evil eye. 6:23
"Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most
birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease.
If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26
Jesus says that we should not concern
ourselves with material things, But Paul (1 Timothy 5:8) says that anyone who behaves that way has
"denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." 6:31-34
Ask, and it shall be given you." Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. But this is probably the biggest.
How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted parents have watched their children die while begging
God to help? 7:7-8
"This is the law and the prophets." If, as Jesus said, the golden rule summarizes
the Old Testament's law and prophets, then why are these passages found in it? 7:12
Peter's mother-in-law was sick with a fever. Jesus healed her by touching her hand, so she could get back to serving them.
(Peter's mother-in-law? The first pope was married?) 8:14-15
"They brought unto him many that were possessed
with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word." 8:16
Jesus and his disciples were crossing a lake in a boat when a storm came. Jesus was asleep, so his
chicken-shit disciples woke him up. Jesus rebuked them for having little faith and then calmed the winds and the waves. All of which was to show,
what? That weather is sent by God and can be controlled by faith? 8:24-26
The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of
God. According to 1 Jn.4:15 ("Whosoever
shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in
God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in God. 8:29
After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into them, the "whole city" asks him to leave. I don't
blame them. 8:34
"Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith.
Medical science is unnecessary.) 9:22
Jesus heals two blind men. (Or was it their blind faith that healed them?) 9:27-29
Jesus heals a "dumb man possessed by a devil." (Those who cannot speak are possessed by a devil.) 9:32-33
"Jesus went about all the cities and villages ... healing every sickness and every disease." 9:35
Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness."
10:1
Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers,
raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8
Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come
true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents,
and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they each die
painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans
are worth much more than sparrows.) 10:29. 31
"Whosoever shall deny me before men,
him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven." Peter denied Jesus three times before men. Therefore Jesus must have denied
Peter before God. 10:33
John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to ask, "Art thou he
that should come, or do we look for another?" Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then
how can anyone else be? 11:3
John the Baptist was the greatest man ever to live (even greater than Jesus), but "he that is least in the kingdom of
heaven is greater than he." 11:11
"And from the days of John the Baptist until
now...." Until when? (John the Baptist was still alive when this
verse was supposedly uttered.) Jesus continues to bewilder his poor disciples by
saying, "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it
by force." 11:12
"Jesus ... said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent,
and hast revealed them unto babes." Wise and prudent people have always rejected Jesus. They still do today.
11:25
"Great multitudes followed him, and he healed them all." 12:15
Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in Jonah. 12:40
Jesus predicts that he will be "in the heart of the earth" for three days and
three nights. If by this he meant that he would be in the tomb for three days and three nights, then either he was mistaken or
the gospels are in error. Because according to the gospels (this is one of the few things they all seem to agree on), Jesus
was in the tomb for only one day and two nights. 12:40
When an unclean spirit (whatever that may be) leaves a person's body, he goes out to find another. Not finding
any, he comes back with seven other spirits more wicked than himself and repossesses the person.
12:43-45
Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth.
13:55-57
Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the
Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time (See Mt.16.13-14, Mk.6:14-15, 8:27-28, Lk.9:7-8, 18-19). If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be
so easily fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the
credibility of Jesus' resurrection? 14:1-2
"Jesus ... saw a great multitude ... and he healed their sick." 14:14
Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 14:15-21
"Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea."
Jesus and Peter walk on water. You can too, if you have more than a little faith.
14:25-31
"They sent out into all that country round about, and brought unto him all that were diseased ... and as
many as touched were made perfectly whole." 14:35-37
After the Canaanite woman grovels a bit more at Jesus' feet and admits to being "a dog," Jesus cast out her daughter's devil.
15:27-28
Jesus went up on a mountain and healed "a great multitude" of lame, blind, dumb, and maimed people.
15:29-30
The disciples wonder where they will get the
bread to feed four thousand. But they should know by now, since Jesus just did
the same trick in 14:14-21. These stories are probably
the result of two oral versions of the same fictitious story. 15:33
Opinions were divided regarding the identity of Jesus, but many thought that he was the risen John the Baptist.
The fact that people could be so easily fooled regarding the Baptist's "resurrection" casts doubt on the resurrection of
Jesus. 16:14
When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his coming death, Jesus said to
him "Get thee behind me,
Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 16:23
"Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall
find it."
If you want to stay alive, you must lose your life (kill yourself?) for Jesus' sake.
16:25
Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up to a high mountain top, where his face began shining like the sun. Moses and Elijah show up,
a cloud came over them, and a voice came from the sky saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him."
17:1-5
"And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face." 17:6
Jesus says that Elijah, whom he believes is John the Baptist, will come and "restore all things." But what things did
John the Baptist restore? 17:11-13
Jesus speaks harshly of his disciples when they fail to cast out the devil, saying "O faithless and
perverse generation, how long shall I be with you?" 17:17
If your faith is great enough, you can move mountains around. 17:20
Jesus tells Peter to pay his taxes with a coin that he'll find in the mouth of the first fish that he catches from the sea.
17:27
If you can get two other believers to agree with you, and the three of you ask God for something, he will give it to you.
18:19
"Great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there." 19:2
"There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is
able to receive it, let him receive it." Dangerous words from a guy who recommends
cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin (Mt.5:29-30,
Mt.18:8-9, Mk.9:43-48). It
might make someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male
virgins, who alone will make it to heaven (Rev.14:3-4).
19:12
Jesus lists the "ten commandments," but his list has only six, and the sixth is not one of the ten. The
commandments given by Jesus are secular, not religious, in nature. 19:18
Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a camel to go
through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 19:23
Jesus tells his apostles, "ye shall sit upon the twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel." I wonder which
tribe Judas is judging? 19:28
"Is thine eye evil, because I am good?" (What the fuck is that supposed to mean?) 20:15
"Jesus ... touched their eyes: and immediately their eyes received sight." 20:34
Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt (must have taken some
practice!). 21:2-7
"The blind and the lame came to him in the temple; and he healed them." 21:14
Jesus curses a fig tree and the tree dies immediately (showing the world
how much God Hates Figs). But in Mark's
gospel (11:14, 20-21) the cursed fig tree doesn't
die until the next morning. 21:19-20
If your faith is great enough, you can not only kill fig trees but move mountains around, too.
Whatever you ask for you will receive. (O Lord, won't ya buy me a Mercedes-Benz?)
21:21-22
"What shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world? ... Nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and
there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes."
The end of the world will be signaled by wars, famines, disease, and earthquakes. 24:3, 7
If you see the abomination of desolation in the holy place, try to understand. God is trying to say
something. 24:15
"Let them which be in Judea flee into the mountains." Why? Can't God find and kill them there, too?
24:16
Jesus says there will be "false
Christs" that will "show great signs and wonders." Well, Jesus
himself according to Acts 2:22 fits this
description. 24:24
The kingdom of heaven like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't.
When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night.
The bridegroom shunned the other five, saying "Get lost. I don't even know you." The moral to the story is this: watch out,
you never know when (or with whom) Jesus will come.25:1-13
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 26:26-28
"I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine,
until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom."
WooHoo! There will be wine to drink in heaven. 26:29
"And he went a little farther, and fell on his face." 26:39
The phrase "unto this day" shows that the gospel of Matthew was written long after the events it describes.
27:8, 28:15
When Jesus died, "the graves were opened; and
many bodies of the saints" arose. But they stayed in their graves until
Jesus rose from the dead, when they began to walk around, appearing to many in
Jerusalem. 27:53-54
"Jesus ... was baptized of John in Jordan. And ... heavens opened, and the Spirit like a
dove descending upon him: And there came a voice from heaven." 1:9-11
"The spirit driveth him [Jesus] into the wilderness.
And he was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted of Satan." 1:12-13
"Unclean spirits" confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. If 1 John 4:2 is true,
then these "unclean spirits" are of God. 1:23-24
Peter's mother-in-law was sick with a fever. Jesus healed her by touching her hand, so she could get back to serving them. 1:30-31
Jesus casts out more devils and tells them not to reveal who he is. 1:32-34
Jesus heals a paralytic man by forgiving his sins. (Paralysis is caused by sinful behavior.) Notice that Jesus didn't just heal him,
he forgave his sins, which is something only God is supposed to be able to do. 2:3-12
More "unclean spirits" confess that Jesus is "the son of God."
1 John 4:2 says that all such spirits are of God. 3:11
Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that
he was "the son of God." But Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12
"He [Jesus] ordained twelve, that they should ... have power to heal sicknesses,
and to cast out devils." 3:14-15
The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the prince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22
Jesus becomes angry at those who said that he had an unclean spirit, so he announces the unforgivable sin:
blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. 3:29
"He arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm."
4:39
A man possessed with "an unclean spirit" recognizes Jesus as the son of God. According
to 1 Jn.4:2, 15, this man must have been "of God."
5:7
Jesus sends devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. When the people
hear about it, they beg Jesus to leave. 5:12-13
"A certain woman ... had an issue of blood twelve years...."
So this is where all those phony faith-healing stories came from! Notice that the doctors made her condition worse, but she was instantly cured
by faith. 5:25-29
"Virtue had gone out of him."
Jesus loses some virtue whenever sick women touch him. 5:30
"Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 5:34
Jesus is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:3
Jesus sends out his apostles, two by two, to cast out "unclean spirits." 6:7
"And they cast out many devils, and anointed with oil many that were sick, and healed them."
6:13
There was much disagreement and confusion about Jesus' identity. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the
prophets. And some (like Herod in this verse) thought he was the risen John the Baptist, even though John had just recently
died and the people must have known what he looked like. 6:14-15
Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes
(with 12 baskets left over). 6:34-44
"Whithersoever he entered, into villages, or cities, or country, they laid the sick in the streets, and besought him that
they might touch if it were but the border of his garment: and as many as touched him were made whole." 6:56
Jesus puts his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spits and touches the deaf man's tongue. 7:33
The disciples ought to know by now where they can get enough food to feed a few thousand. After
all, Jesus had just done it before (6:34-44). This "doublet" was probably
the result of two oral traditions of the same event. 8:4
Jesus cures a blind man by spitting in his eyes. 8:23
Jesus' spit did not completely cure the blind. So Jesus tried again. He put his hands on the man's
eyes and, this time, the blind man "saw every man clearly." 8:24-25
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And
many thought he was a risen John the Baptist. With credulity like that just about anyone could later be passed off as the
risen Christ. 8:27-28
"Get thee behind me, Satan." When Peter expressed his dismay about Jesus'
coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me,
Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 8:33
During the transfiguration, Jesus' clothes became whiter than white, while he chatted with Moses and Elijah.
Then a voice came out of a cloud saying, "This is my beloved Son: hear him."
9:3-7
Jesus told the disciples not to tell anyone about his mountain-top meeting with Moses and Elijah until after he rose from the dead.
But the disciples didn't know what he meant by "rising from the dead." 9:9-10
Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge
thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds like a script from Monty Python,
doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out?
9:17, 25-26
"All things are possible to him that believeth." 9:23
The disciples saw some others that they didn't
know "casting out devils" in Jesus' name. (It was a popular sport back in those days.)
9:38
Immortal worms: "Where their worm dieth not" 9:44, 46, 48
Jesus implies that he is neither good nor God. 10:18
When Jesus lists the Ten Commandments, he only mentions five -- the humanistic ones that make no mention
of God. He also gives one that is not included in the so-called Ten Commandments: "defraud not."
10:19
Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than
for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 10:25
"Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And
immediately he received his sight." 10:52
Jesus kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season.
He did this to show the world how much God hates figs.
11:13-14
If you do "not doubt in your heart" you can cast a mountain into the sea (or kill a fig tree,
or whatever). 11:23-24
"Beware of the scribes, which ... make long prayers: these shall receive greater damnation." 12:38-40
"The beginnings of sorrows."
The end of the world will be marked with wars, famines, and earthquakes. (Thank God for that helpful hint!) 13:8
"In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and
the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never
fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25
There are some things that Jesus doesn't know -- like when the end of the world will come.
13:32
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 14:22-24
Mark says that those who quoted Jesus were "false witnesses," yet according to John 2:19, Jesus said what these witnesses said that he said. So how are they false witnesses?
Did Jesus say, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up"? 14:57-58
"He is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 16:6
"And they ... fled from the sepulchre ... neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid."
The women were afraid and didn't tell anyone. If so, how did the author of Mark find out about it? Or was he just making it all up?
16:8
"Jesus ... appeared first to Mary Magdalene ... And she went and
told them that had been with him .. And they ... believed not." 16:9
"After that he appeared in another form."
Jesus transformed himself into a different form, appearing as a completely different person. (Maybe the
disciples saw another person and assumed it was Jesus.) 16:12
The true followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: 1) cast out devils, 2)speak in tongues, 3) take up
serpents, 4) drink poisons without harm, and 5) cure the sick by touching them.
16:17-18
Zacharias and Elizabeth were both getting old, too old to have kids. But Zach prayed, so an angel
appeared to tell him that God would take care of things for him. God would somehow get Liz pregnant and she'd have a son named John, who
would be filled with the Holy Ghost from the moment God, the angel, the Holy Ghost, or Zach (or maybe all of them working together) got
his mom pregnant. 1:7-15
"They had no child, because that Elisabeth was barren."
Oh God, another barren woman! It's always the woman's fault in the Bible. 1:7
"There appeared unto him an angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar." 1:11
"The angel said unto him, Fear not, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son,
and thou shalt call his name John."
Whoopie! Another miraculous birth! Did old Zach have sex with Elizabeth or did the angel take care of things for him? 1:13
"He shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb."
John the Baptist was "filled with the Holy Ghost" even as a fetus! 1:15
God strikes Zacharias dumb for doubting the angel Gabriel's words.
1:20
The angel Gabriel stopped by Nazareth to vist the Most Blessed Virgin Mary and say the rosary with her. OK, not really.
He stopped by to tell her that the Holy Ghost would soon be getting her pregnant the way he did her aunt Elizabeth. But
during his visit he did manage to come up with the first half of the "Hail Mary." 1:28
Gabriel tells Mary that the Holy Ghost will come upon her and she'll be covered by the power of God,
so "the holy thing" that she delivers will be the Son of God. 1:35
"When Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb." 1:41, 4
"Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb [Jesus]."
When Elisabeth saw Mary, she completed the first half of the "Hail Mary" that the angel Gabriel started in verse 28. 1:42
John the Baptist, while still a fetus, leaped for joy when he heard the
voice of Mary. 1:44
"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field,
keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord
shone round about them and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them...."
I don't need to quote the whole thing, do I?
You saw "Charlie Brown Christmas." 2:8-10
How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And how could God increase "in favour with God."?
2:52
The soldiers [asked] what shall we do? And he said ... Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely."
Good advice, except maybe to soldiers. Soldiers are trained to "do violence" to people. 3:14
"The Holy Ghost descended in a bodily shape like a dove upon him, and a voice came from heaven,
which said, Thou art my beloved Son; in thee I am well pleased." 3:22
Jesus was full of the Holy Ghost and was led by "the Spirit" (the Holy Ghost?) into the desert to be tempted by the devil for forty days.
4:1-2
The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world
was flat in those days. 4:5
The people of Jesus' hometown (Nazareth) were so upset at him that they tried to kill him by
pushing him off a cliff. But Jesus ran away. 4:28-30
Jesus cured Peter's mother-in-law (by "rebuking" her fever) so she could get back to work serving them. 4:38-39
The people brought all their sick people to Jesus, and he cured every one of them. 4:40
Devils crawl out of people proclaiming that Jesus is "Christ the Son of God." According to 1 John 4:2, 15, these devils were "of God." 4:41
Jesus, the master fisherman.
Jesus got on Simon Peter's boat and told him to put down his nets. Simon told him that he'd been fishing all night and caught nothing.
But he did as Jesus said. And they caught so many fish that it ripped the net and nearly sunk two boats. 5:4-7
Jesus cures a paralytic by forgiving his sins, thereby proving that he is God
(since only God can forgive sins) and paralysis is caused by sin. 5:18-25
"And it came to pass on the second Sabbath after the first...." Huh? 6:1
Jesus and his disciples break the Sabbath, and then make excuses for it. David ate stuff he wasn't
supposed to, too, and besides Jesus is "the Lord of the Sabaath." 6:1-5
Jesus heals people that are "vexed with unclean spirits." 6:18
"The whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all." 6:19
Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if
someone steals from you offer them something additional. Don't turn
down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers follow this one?), and when
you loan something don't ask for it back. 6:29-30
"And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak." 7:12-15
John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. He sends his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art
thou he that should come? or look we for another?" Well, if he's not sure, how can anyone else be?
7:19
Within a single hour, Jesus cured people of various plagues, evil spirits, and blindness. 7:21
Jesus removes seven devils from the body of Mary Magdalene. 8:2
Jesus speaks in parables so that people won't understand him. 8:10
Jesus stops a storm by rebuking the wind and waves. 8:23-24
Jesus heals a woman "having an issue of blood." It's the usual story: none of
the doctors could cure her, but the faith hearer (Jesus, in this case) could. 8:43-44
Jesus felt virtue leave him when the woman with the issue of blood touched him. 8:45-47
"Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith.
Medical science is unnecessary.) 8:48
Jesus brings Jarius' dead daughter back to life. 8:49-55
Jesus gave his disciples authority of all devils and to cure diseases. 9:1-2
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets;
others that he was the risen John the Baptist. With such a credulous populace, is it surprising that some people would
later claim, and probably even believe, that they had seen the risen Christ? 9:7-8
"He [Jesus] ... healed them that had need of healing." 9:11
Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 9:13-17
Jesus wonders who people think he is. His disciples say that some think he's John the Baptist, others
Elijah or one of the other prophets. 9:18-19
Jesus falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God.
9:27
Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up to a mountain top, where his clothes start shining. Moses and Elijah (Elias) show up and begin
talking to Jesus, a cloud covers them and a voice came out of the cloud saying, "This is my beloved son, hear him." 9:28-35
Jesus raises Moses and Elijah from the dead and has a conversation
with them. 9:30
"The devil threw him down, and tare him. And Jesus rebuked the
unclean spirit, and healed the child." Jesus cures an epiletic child by rebuking an unclean spirit. 9:42
"We saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him,
because he followeth not with us." The disciples saw people who were not followers of Jesus casting out devils in his name.
9:49
James and John ask Jesus if they can call down
fire from heaven to consume the Samaritans who didn't much care for Jesus'
teaching. They'd like to kill people the way Elijah did. But shucks, Jesus won't
let them. 9:54
Jesus' instructions to his disciples: Take no money or shoes and don't say hello to anyone that you pass by.
Enter each house and eat whatever they feed you. Stay there; don't go from house to house. Heal the sick and say the
kingdom of heaven is here. 10:3-9
"He that heareth you heareth me; and he that despiseth you despiseth me; and he that despiseth me despiseth him that sent me."
If you don't like what Pat Robertson says (or any other Christian), then you don't like Jesus, and if you don't like Jesus, you don't like God.
10:16
The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. 10:17-18
"I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by
any means hurt you." 10:19
Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21
People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14
"Some of them said, He casteth out devils through Beelzebub the chief
of the devils ... and others ... sought of him a sign from heaven."
A reasonable hypothesis (assuming devils exist) and a fair request (assuming a god exists). 11:15-16
"If I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your sons cast them out?"
Jesus believed the Pharisees could cast out demons, too! 11:19
Jesus says it is impossible to get rid of unclean spirits. If you manage to evict one, he'll soon return with
seven others "more wicked than himself" and you'll be worse off than you were before. So just learn to live with
whatever unclean spirits that are currently possessing you. 11:24-26
Jesus insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28
Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22),
worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
"Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on." 12:22
Don't worry about food, God will take care of you. 12:29-31
Jesus tells his followers to sell everything they own and give the money to the poor.
12:33
Jesus heals a woman with "a spirit of infirmity" by casting out a devil. (All illness is caused by devils.)
13:11-16
When the Pharisees warn Jesus that Herod would try to kill him, Jesus tells them to tell
Herod that he casts out devils, will be perfected on the third day, and will walk around Jerusalem for another couple days or so.
13:31-33
"Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of
unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations." 16:9
"If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will
commit to your trust the true riches?" 16:11
"The Pharisees ... heard all these things: and they derided him." 16:14
"That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage,
truth, beauty, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15
Those with little faith can pluck trees up by their roots and cast them into the sea. 17:6
There will be nothing subtle about Jesus' return. It will be like lightning that flashes from one end of the heaven to the other.
Like the Wicked Witch of the West writing "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky. Like that. 17:24
Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you should too. 17:27
Jesus also believes the story about Noah's flood and Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in
the day the son of man is revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and
history. 17:29-32
"Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall
lose his life shall preserve it." 17:33
The parable of the avenging, lazy, unjust judge (God). 18:1-6
"Thou knowest the commandments." But apparently Jesus didn't, since he only named five of the Ten Commandments.
(Notice that the five on Jesus' list are the secular ones that make no mention of God.) 18:20
Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a
rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." 18:25
Before the end of the world there will be many false Christs that claim the end of the world is near (Don't believe them) (8),
there will be "wars and commotions" (but ignore that) (9), along with earthquakes, famines, pestilences, and "fearful sights" and
"great signs from heaven" (11).
Believers will be arrested and persecuted by the Jews, who will throw them in prison (12), friends and family will betray each other and
some will be put to death (16), and believers will be hated by everyone (17). But don't worry. Not a single hair on your head will be
hurt (even if you are killed) (18).
When you see armies around Jerusalem, then you'll know desolation is near (20). Then it's time to head for the hills. Unless you're a
pregnant or nursing women, that is. (23) Then you're just fucked. Too bad for you.
God's wrath will be on everyone, with dead bodies all over the place,
Jerusalem will be trodden on by Gentiles until "the times of the
Gentiles be fulfilled." (24) There will be signs in the sun, moon, and stars, with lots of waves in the sea. (25)
Everyone will be afraid of everything (26) and then they'll see the Son of Man coming in all his glory. (27)
Oh, and all these things will happen within the lifespan of Jesus' contemporaries (32). 21:8-27
Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 22:19-20
"That ye may ... sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel."
Which tribe will Judas judge? 22:30
"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." (Have you bought your Jesus
sword yet?) 22:36
Jesus tells the "good thief" that they will both be in heaven "today." But how can that be since it's only Friday
and, according to the gospels, Jesus lay dead in the tomb Friday night and all day Saturday.
23:43
When one of the disciples cuts off the ear of the high priest's slave, Jesus just puts the ear back. No problem.
22:50-51
"He ... is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 24:6
When Mary Magdalene and the other women gave their account of the resurrection to the apostles "their words
seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not." 24:11
Two of Jesus' disciples failed to recognize him after his supposed resurrection. Maybe that was because the
person they saw wasn't really Jesus. 24:13-16
The disciples spent the day talking to the mysterious man before finally recognizing him when "their hearts burned within them."
24:31-32
"And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them."
Jesus just appears out of nowhere! 24:36
John baptizes Jesus and declares him to be "the Son of God." But later, as he is about to be beheaded, John
is no longer sure what to think about Jesus. So he sends his own disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do
we look for another?" (Mt.11:3) Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how
can anyone else be? 1:29-35
Jesus falsely prophesied that Nathaniel would see heaven open and angels descend upon Jesus. Nathaniel never saw it;
neither has anyone else. 1:51
Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine. 2:9
Jesus believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21.
(God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water.
Then God told Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
"God so loved the world, that he gave his His only begotten Son."
As an example to parents everywhere and to save the world (from himself), God had his own son tortured and killed.
3:16
Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously.
(He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.) 4:7-18
"Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did."
Jesus didn't tell the Samaritan woman everything that had ever happened to her. He just used the same trick that successful
palm readers, astrologers, and fortune tellers use to make gullible people say to themselves,
"How could he have known that about me?" 4:29
Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had."
5:4
Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to
"sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
"Jesus answered them, My Father worketh [on the Sabbath], and I work."
Jesus says he and his dad always work on the Sabbath. (So you can too!) 5:17
"As the Father raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth them; even so the
Son quickeneth whom he will."
Jesus can make dead people live just like his dad does. 5:21
"The hour is coming, in the which all that are in the graves shall hear his voice." 5:28
Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a shame he didn't give us chapter and verse.
5:46
Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over).
6:5-13
The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not believe in him. 6:42
Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. This idea was just too gross for "many of his disciples" and "walked no more
with him." (They are called Protestants nowadays.) 6:53-66
Jesus knew who could stomach the idea of eating his flesh and drinking his blood (the
Catholics, who are going to heaven) and who couldn't (the Protestants, who are going to hell). It's all a part of God's plan
and we have hothing to do with it. 6:64-66
Jesus chose "a devil" for an apostle. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. 6:70
Jesus accuses people of trying to kill him. But they say to him, "Thou hast a devil:
who goeth about to kill thee?" 7:19-20
"We be not born of fornication" -- implying that Jesus was. 8:41
After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who believe in him will never die, his listeners reply, "now we
know that thou hast a devil." 8:52
Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on (or in?) a blind man's eyes.
Then he told him to wash in the pool of Siloam. After that, the blind man could see again.
The Bible doesn't say whether it was the holy spit, holy mud, or holy water that did the trick. 9:6-7
"All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers."
Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
"I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved." Enter through the Jesus door. 10:9
Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a
devil. 10:20
Lararus must suffer and die (or pretend to die) so that Jesus can "be glorified" by raising
him from the dead. 11:4
"Lazarus, come forth. And he that was dead came forth."
11:43
You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.)
12:25
"While Jesus was praying, a loud noise came from the sky. Some said it was thunder, others said
it was an angel yelling at Jesus." 12:28-29
"The devil ... put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, to betray him."
God put the devil in Judas' heart so that he could have his son (or himself, or whatever) killed. 13:2
Jesus takes off all his clothes, wraps a towel around himself, and then washes the feet of his disciples using the same towel.
13:3-5
"By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."
Love has hardly been a diagnostic feature of Christians. 13:35
Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles
than he did! 14:2
Jesus says that whatever you ask either him or his father for you will receive. Now how's
that for a big lie? 14:13-14, 15:7,
15:16, 16:23
Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not believing in him. 15:22
He that hateth me hateth my Father also."
Oh, that's a good one. If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) 15:23
"That they all may be one"
Jesus prays that believers might all be one, thereby proving, once and for all, that nothing fails like prayer.
17:21
"She [Mary Magdalene] ... knew not that it was Jesus." (Maybe it wasn't Jesus.) 20:14
"When the doors were shut ... came Jesus and stood in the midst."
After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26
"Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed." Blessed are
they that believe stupid things without (or even contrary to) evidence? 20:29
"Jesus stood on the shore: but the disciples knew not that it was Jesus."
Jesus was full of clever disguises! 21:4
While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell the disciples that Jesus will return in the s
ame way he just left them (by beaming up/down via transporter). 1:10-11
A mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone starts speaking in languages they don't
understand and act like they're drunk. 2:2-13
"There were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation
under heaven." (Polynesians, Native Americans, Australian Aborigines, Japanese, you name it.) 2:5
Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk. 2:13
Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in
"the last days." 2:17
In the last days (which Peter believes have already come) God will show great signs
and wonders -- things like "blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke." 2:19
"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse. 2:20
Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31
"The same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls."
The number of believers went from 120 (1:15) to 3120 in a single day. 2:41
"Fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the
apostles." 2:43
Cornelius gets a message from God: Go find Peter. 10:1-6
Peter has a dream in which God shows him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says,
"Rise, Peter: kill and eat." Peter didn't know what the heck to make of it. 10:9-17
The Spirit interrupts Peter's previous vision with an urgent message: "Three guys are looking for you.
Believe whatever they tell say." 10:19-20
"Behold, a man stood before me in bright clothing."
If you see a man in bright clothing, it's an angel! 10:30
"The Holy Ghost fell on all them which heard the word." 10:44
"They of the circumcision which believed were astonished ...
for they heard them speak with tongues." 10:45-46
Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All kinds of beasts,
creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise,
Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-10
A bunch of strangers came to get Peter, who was told by the (holy?) spirit to go with them and do whatever they said. So he went with
them to another guy’s house who had seen an angel who told him to believe whatever Peter said so that he and his family would be saved. When
they arrived, Peter started talking, the Holy Ghost fell on everyone and they all lived happily ever after.
(Or something like that.) 11:12-15
Open Sesame: An angel magically breaks Peter out of prison. 12:7-10
"It is his angel."
The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it. They think he was "his
angel" instead. (Peter had an angel that looked just like him.) 12:12-15
"And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man."
When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God, and not a man."
12:20
"The Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them." 13:2
"Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind, he believed. (Who else
shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12
The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For
an example of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and
1 Chr.20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of
several cities. 13:34
The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter and Mercurius. 14:11-12
"When the apostles, Barnabas and Paul, heard of, they rent their clothes." 14:14
Some Jews convince the people (who think Paul is a god) to stone Paul. So they stone Paul and throw his body out of town,
thinking he was dead. 14:19
Can you get into heaven without a circumcised penis? Paul and Barnabas are sent to Jerusalem to meet with the apostles
to settle the matter once and for all. 15:1-2
God made choice among
us, that the Gentiles by my mouth should hear the word of the gospel, and believe." 15:7
"It seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us." 15:28
When they read the no-need-to-get-circumcised epistle, everyone rejoiced. I bet. 15:30-31
Paul said to Barnabas, "Let's go visit all the places we've preached at before and see how
they're doing." Barnabas said, "OK, but let's take John called Mark with us." Paul said that he wouldn't go anywhere with that John
called Mark guy. So they split up. Paul went with Silas and Barnabas with John called Mark. 15:36-41
Paul circumcised Timothy, thereby making it impossible for him to be saved, according to his own words in
Galatians 5:2. 16:1-3
Paul and the newly circumcised Timothy were forbidden by the Holy Ghost to preach in Asia. (God just doesn’t like Asians, I guess.)
Then they tried to go to Bithynia, but the Spirit wouldn't let them do that either. Shucks! 16:7-8
A man appears to Paul in a dream telling him to go to Macedonia. So Paul, who was a big
believer in dreams, did as the dream-man requested. 16:9-12
Paul expels a soothsaying spirit of divination. 16:16-18
Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors of the prison. 16:26
If a husband believes, his whole family is automatically saved. 16:31
The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods.
17:18
Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls
the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22
), the first vow-induced shaved head
"Paul ... having shorn his head ... for he had a vow." 18:18
Paul introduces the Corinthians to the Holy Ghost and immediately they begin to
speak in tongues and prophesy. 19:1-6
"The school of Tyrannus" is the only school mentioned in the Bible. 19:9
After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord!
19:10
Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them."
19:12
Jewish exorcists were so impressed by Paul's ability to cast out evil spirits that
they decided to give it a try, saying to a evil spirit in a possessed person, "We adjure you by Jesus whom Paul preaches." But the evil spirit
said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who the heck are you?" Then the possessed person jumped on the Jewish
exorcists, and stripped off all their clothes. 19:13-16
"Many of them ... brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them,
and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver."
The first Christian book burning occurs when Paul's converts at Ephesus burn 50,000 silver pieces' worth of books. (A silver piece was
worth about a day's wage.) 19:19
A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians."
19:34
Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised him back
to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:7-12
In one of the few times that Paul quotes Jesus, he attributes to him words that are not found in the gospels.
(It is better to give than to receive.") 20:35
The Holy Ghost's girdle message: "Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands an feet, and said, Thus saith the Holy
Ghost, So shall the Jews at Jerusalem bind the man that owneth this girdle, and shall deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles." 21:10-11
The Jews, once again, incite the people to kill poor old Paul. But he escapes
and delivers another long, boring speech. 21:27-40
Paul repeats the same stupid story that was told in chapter 9. (Well,
not quite the same. Some of the details were changed to make it more interesting.) 22:6-10
The people listened to Paul's speech, but didn't like it very much. After listening to it, they took off their clothes,
threw dust in the air, and told the soldiers to kill him. 22:22-23
"The night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul."
The Lord (Jesus?) stopped by to chat with Paul. 23:11
The Jews form a grand conspiracy to kill Paul. They vow not to eat or drink until the job is done. (The first hunger strike?)
23:12-15
Oh boy, we get to hear the Damascus road story for the third time! 26:13-15
Paul tells his sailing companions not to fear. He has an angel onboard that will protect them. 27:22-24
Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought
he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he
didn't die. 28:3-6
By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of their diseases.
28:8-9
The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22
"If thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision."
If you are circumcised and you break the law, your foreskin will grow back. 2:25
Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The
obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a
god, perhaps? 3:5
Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was
even older, managed to father six more children with a new wife without any divine assistance
(Gen.21:2, 25:1-2). 4:19
The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim.
5:9
"If ... we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son", then God is truly a monster. 5:10
God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim.
5:12
God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20
God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing with, himself.
8:27
"All things work together for good to them that love God."
One of the greatest and most absurd lies in all of scripture. 8:28
If you are a child of the flesh, you are not the seed of God. Whatever that might be. 9:8
Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians,
Pacific Islanders? 10:18
"Salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them [the Jews] to jealousy." 11:11
"This is my covenant unto them, [the Jews] when I shall take away their sins."
Someday God will take away all Jewish sins. 11:27
"As concerning the gospel, they are enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election,
they are beloved for the father's sakes."
Jews are enemies to Christians, but God loves them for their ancestors' sake. 11:28
Gentiles used to be unbelievers, but now the Jews are the unbelievers and God saves gentiles through Jewish unbelief. It's all a part of
God's plan. 11:30
Non-believing Jews will obtain mercy through the mercy of believers. 11:31
"God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all." 11:32
"Rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil."
If you behave yourself, no king or government will mistreat you. 13:3
"If there be any other commandment...."
Paul tries to list the Ten Commandments, but he only came up with five (the good secular humanist ones). Oh well, Jesus couldn’t list them all either.
(Mt 19:17-19) 13:9
Absurdities in the New Testament
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