"I, Nephi ... born of goodly parents ... highly favored of the Lord ... having ... a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God"
The first book of the Book of Mormon is the First Book of Nephi. The author is a guy named Nephi who thinks quite a lot of himself. He had "goodly parents" was "highly favored of the Lord" and had "a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God."
"I make a record in the language of
my father ... the language of the Egyptians." That's a strange language an Israelite around
600 BCE to write in! 1:2
"I know that the record which I make is true."
The book of 1 Nephi is true because Nephi says it is. And if you can't believe a pompous,
Egyptian-speaking Hebrew that supposedly lived 2600 years ago, whom can you believe? 1:3
"There came a pillar of fire and dwelt upon a rock."
Lehi prayed and pillar of fire appeared out of nowhere on a rock. 1:6
After Lehi saw the burning pillar on a rock, he "he thought he saw" God, lots of angels, Jesus, and the 12 apostles -- which is a
strange sight for a Jew that lived 600 years before Jesus was born. 1:8-10
God, Jesus, the apostles, and the host of angels came down from heaven to earth and God gave Lehi a book to read.
1:11
"He read, saying: Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations! ... Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord
God Almighty!"
Lehi read from the book that God gave him while he quoted from Revelation -- which wasn't written for another 700 years or so.
1:13-14
"I make an abridgment of the record of my father, upon plates which I have made with mine own hands."
Nephi's (thankfully) going to just give us the abridged version of his father's babblings, which was probably a good idea since
he was writing this stuff down on brass plates. 1:17
God speaks to Lehi in a dream and tells him to leave Jerusalem and go "into the wilderness." 2:1-2
So, with no further instructions, he and his family go into the wild. 2:4
Apparently the 400+ km hike from Jerusalem to the Red Sea took only three days. 2:5-6
Lehi named the valley after his other worthless son, Lemuel, hoping it would make him more steadfast and immovable.
2:10
"Nephi wanted to know the mysteries of God, so he cried unto the Lord. And the Lord softened his heart (and his brain) so
he could believe the shit his dad said. 2:16
And the dumb-as-shit Sam went along with whatever Nephi said. 2:17
But Laman and Lemuel wouldn't listen to Nephi because they suffered from Pharaoh's syndrome: the hardening of the heart.
2:18
God told Nephi that he would lead him to a new land, a land that God had prepared just for him (and the Mormons) that was
better than everywhere else on earth. (God made the New World just for Nephi and his family. For though it had been
occupied by the Native Americans for 15,000 years or so, God made it for Nephi, not for them.)
2:19-220
"I, Nephi, returned from speaking with the Lord." 3:1
God commands Lehi in a dream to send his sons back to Jerusalem (800+ km roundtrip)
to get Lehi's genealogy that is written on brass plates. 3:2-4
So the four brothers went back to Jerusalem. Now they just needed to decide how to get the brass plates back from Laban.
Luckily, they had all read the Bible so they knew the proper way of deciding such things. They cast lots. 3:10-11a
The lot fell upon Laman, so he went in to talk to Laban about the plates. But Laban refused to give him the plates,
accused him of trying to rob him, and threatened to kill him. 3:11b-13
After that, Laman, Lemuel, and Sam wanted to give up on the plates and return "to the wilderness." 3:14
But Nephi talked them out of it in a long, boring speech. 3:15-21
So Nephi and his brothers go get their father's gold, silver, and precious things (that were left behind on their wilderness trip),
brought them to Laban, and offered to trade it all for the plates. 3:22-24
Laban wanted their gold and whatnot but he also wanted to keep the plates. (He was into genealogy, too.) So he decided to kill
them and take their stuff. 3:25
Nephi and his brothers escaped to the wilderness and hid in "the cavity of a rock." 3:26-27
Laman and Lemuel had had enough. They started to beat Nephi and Sam with a rod. 3:28
Then an angel showed up and told them to stop beating Nephi. 3:29
But Laman and Lemuel weren't convinced by the angel. 3:31
sine the angel didn't impress Laman and Lemeul, Nephi had to make another long, boring, BoM-type speech.
4:1-3
After the speech, Laman and Lemuel decided to follow Nephi back to Jerusalem, though they "did still continue to murmur."
4:4
When they got to Jerusalem, Nephi's brothers waited outside the gates while Nephi was led by the Lord to Laban's house.
4:6
The Lord lead Nephi to a drunk guy passed out on the ground -- who turned out to be Laban! 4:7-8
The Spirit of the Lord "constrained" Nephi to murder Laban as he lay passed out on the ground. 4:10
And a third time, reminding Nephi that God kills people too (so it must be OK) and besides, it's better that one person die
than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief. 4:12-13
So Nephi (finally) obeys the Spirit by grabbing Laban by the hair and chopping off his head with his own sword.
4:18
After Nephi smote off his head, he put on Laban's clothes (while the blood gushed from the carotid artery) and "gird on his armor
about [his] loins." (Laban always wore armor on his loins when he went out partying.)4:19
Dressed in Laban's blood-drenched clothes and loin armor, he went to the treasury of Laban and commanded (with the voice of Laban)
Laban's servant to follow him. 4:20
And it worked perfectly. Nephi looked and sounded just like Laban, so it completely fooled Laban's servant.
4:21
Nephi chatted with Laban's servant for a while about all the usual things -- the wild party last night, gossip about
the elders of the "church" (the Jews had churches back then), etc. Then Nephi told him to take the brass plates to his
brothers who were waiting outside the city gates. 4:22-27
When Nephi's brothers saw Nephi and Laban's servant coming, they were "exceedingly frightened" since they thought
Nephi was Laban, too! (It was an exceedingly good disguise.) 4:26
"When Laman saw me he was exceedingly frightened, and also Lemuel and Sam. And they fled from before my presence;
for they supposed it was Laban."It must have been an exceedingly good costume! Even Nephi's brothers thought he was Laban
(because he was wearing Laban's clothes). 4:28
But then they heard his voice (he wasn't using the voice of Laban anymore) and they knew it was Nephi "wherefore they
did cease to flee from [his] presence." 4:29
After brothers settled down, Nephi talked Laban's servant (Zoram) into joining up with them, and they packed up the brass
plates and returned (400+ kilometers) to Lehi's tent. 4:38
Nephi and his brothers, along with Laban's servant Zoram, return to the wilderness from Jerusalem.
The 400+ kilometer trip must have been routine by now, since Nephi says nothing at all about it. His parents, though, were filled with joy,
exceedingly glad even, to see them.5:1
After the boys got back, the parents just couldn't stop talking about it. After this manner of language did they speak.
5:3, 6, 8
After they were done speaking in that manner of language, Lehi took a look at the brass plates. They had all kinds of cool stuff
written on them: the five books of Moses, the history of the Jews, and the prophecies of Jeremiah. 5:10-13
The plates had Lehi's genealogy, which showed that Lehi was a descendant of Joseph.
(Joseph is a really important name in the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure why.) 5:14
When Lehi found out that he was a descendant of Joseph, he was filled up with the Spirit and started to
prophesy about his seed, saying the plates would never perish or dim with time. (No one has seen them since.) 5:17-19
"And he prophesied many things concerning his seed." 5:19
Nephi is not going to say anything about the plates that he murdered Laban for,
except that he and his family are descendants of Joseph. 6:1-2
Nephi is trying to use as few words as possible, since he is writing on metal plates. So it mattereth not to him that he give a
full account of all the things, etc., etc. 6:3
So he's not going to write pleasing things; he's going to give commandment unto his seed. 6:5-6
God tells Lehi to send his sons back to Jerusalem to get some women. 7:1-2
So Lehi's sons went back to Jerusalem one more time. 7:3
It was just another quick, uneventful, 400+ km trip. After they arrived, the Lord softened up Ishmael's heart enough so that he
agreed to leave Jerusalem with his family and go into the wilderness so that Lehi's sons could have sex with his daughters.
7:4-5
But then deja vu came to pass all over again. Laman and Lemuel revolted, along with two of Ishmael's daughters and two of his
sons. 7:6
And then Nephi gave a speech that no one should ever have to read or listen to. 7:8-15
After listening to Nephi's awful speech, Nephi's brothers were exceedingly wroth. So they tied him up and left him for
the animals to eat. 7:16
But then Nephi prayed unto the Lord. (His prayers are worse than his speeches.) And, just like magic, the cords were
untied. 7:17-18
Nephi's brothers tried to lay hands on him again but he was saved by a daughter, mother, and brother of Ishmael, who
softened the hearts of Nephi's younger brothers. 7:19
Then Nephi's brothers bowed down and begged Nephi to forgive them. 7:20
And it came to pass that Nephi forgave his brothers and they returned to their father's tent in the wilderness, where they
killed and sacrificed some animals for God and began to get to know the daughters of Ishmael. 7:21-22
Lehii's Dream
Lehi dreams about a tree with white, sweet-tasting fruit. He wants his family to eat the fruit. Nephi, Sam, and Sariah do; Laman and
Lemuel don't. An iron rod leads people to the tree, but some are ashamed to eat its fruit after being taunted by well-dressed people
in a building that floats in the sky. Those who don't eat the fruit or who leave after eating it are lost, drowned, or destroyed.
(Lehi's dream was nearly identical to Joseph Smith, Sr.'s dream 2400
years later, before Joseph Smith, Jr. "translated" the Book of Mormon.) 8:2-38
Lehi thinks his dream assures the salvation of Nephi, Sam, and "their seed" and the damnation of Laman and Lemuel.
(Because the former ate the magic fruit and the latter didn't.) 8:3-4
Lehi dreamed about tree with fruit that could make you happy if you ate it (or smoked it?). 8:10
Lehi partook of the fruit thereof, and it was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted, and was whiter than anything he'd
ever seen before. (Being white is the best thing a thing can be in the Book of Mormon.) 8:11
And it made him exceedingly happy, happier than he'd ever been before. He was so darned happy he could hardly stand it.
So he wanted his family to eat from the happy tree, too. 8:12
So Lehi cast his eyes round about until he discovered his family. 8:13
Lehi told his family to eat the happy fruit, and the good members of his family (Nephi, Sariah, and Sam) ate it.
8:14-16
After the good guys ate the good fruit, Lehi cast his eyes about again until he saw Laman and Lemuel. He told
them to eat the fruit, but they wouldn't do it (because they were bad). 8:17-18
Lehi saw an iron rod along the side of the river that people clung to as they traveled towards the happy tree.
8:19
In the background there was a mist of darkness that lots of people got lost in. 8:23
But some managed to find the happy-fruit tree by hanging on to the rod of iron. 8:24
But after partaking of the happy fruit, the people cast their eyes about like they were ashamed or something.
8:25
Then Lehi cast his eyes about again and saw a big building floating in the air. 8:26
The building was filled with people that were looking down and pointing and laughing at the people eating the happy fruit.
8:27
Then the people who were ashamed after eating the happy fruit crawled off into the darkness and got lost.
8:28
Some of the ashamed fruit-eaters made it to the big sky building, but others drowned. 8:31-32
Those that made it into the big building in the sky began pointing the finger of scorn at the happy fruit eaters below.
8:33
Nephi left out a lot of shit his dad said in the valley of Lemuel. He just didn't have room for it on his plates.
9:1
"The plates ... I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called
the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates
of Nephi." Okay, I guess we'll call them the plates of Nephi. 9:2
God told Nephi to make two sets of plates: one for "for the more part of the ministry" and the other set "
for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions." 9:4
"The Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not." 9:5
"I, Nephi, proceed to give an account ... of my proceedings ... wherefore, to proceed with mine account, I must speak somewhat...."
10:1
Jesus said that John the Baptist was the greatest prophet, but Lehi
proves him wrong by prophesying the details of Jesus' life, death,
and resurrection 600 years before he was born. Lehi even knew the Elizabethan English words that the King James
Version would ascribe to John the Baptist 2200 years before that translation existed! 10:3-11
A spirit takes Nephi up to the top of an exceedingly high mountain and shows him all the shit his dad saw: Jesus, Mary, John the
Baptist, the twelve apostles, Lehi's magic tree and iron rod, the large and spacious building, angels, devils, the condescension of God,
and the wisdom of the world. 11:1-36
The first thing that comes to pass is that Nephi ponders his dad's imaginary tree, gets caught up in the spirit of the Lord,
and is transported to an exceedingly high mountain. 11:1
And then he has a conversation with his new-found spirit friend. The spirit asked him what he wanted. 11:2
Nephi said he'd like to see some of the shit his dad saw. 11:3
The spirit asked Nephi if he believed that his dad saw the tree? 11:4
Nephi said that he believed all the crazy shit his dad said. 11:5
When the spirit heard Nephi's words, it started screaming. 11:6-7
The spirit shouted that because Nephi believes in his dad's cool tree, Jesus would come down from heaven to visit him.
(Jesus believes in Lehi's tree, too.) 11:7
And then it came to pass that the spirit showed Nephi his dad's magic fruit tree. It was exceedingly white, too. It was
like the whitest thing he'd ever seen. 11:8
Nephi sees an exceedingly white virgin. (Being white is exceedingly good in the Book of Mormon.) But how the hell would
Nephi know that the exceedingly white woman was a virgin? I guess Nephi could spot a virgin from 400 kilometers away.
11:13
After the spirit showed Nephi the exceedingly white tree and virgin, it blathered on a bit about "the condescension of God"
and whatnot. Then it told Nephi that the white virgin "is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh."
(Does this mean that God the Father had sex with Mary "after the manner of the flesh?") 11:18
Then the spirit (or its angel sidekick) showed Nephi all the shit his dad saw and more. Jesus, Mary, John the Baptist,
the twelve apostles, the crucifixion, a bunch of angels, Lehi's magic tree, fountain of living waters, iron rod, the large and
spacious building, angels, devils, the condescension of God, the lamb of God, the Holy Ghost, devils, unclean spirits, the wisdom
of the world -- the works. 11:19-35
In this chapter, the angel shows Nephi his seed. He'll have tons of seed, as many as the sand of the sea. 12:1
Nephi's seed will live in many cities, more cities than can be counted. 12:3
But bad times are coming. Mountains will disintegrate and cities sink and burn. 12:4
Then the heavens will open up and Jesus, the Holy Ghost, and the apostles (with their robes made white from being
washed in Jesus' blood) will come down to minster to Nephi's seed. 12:6-10
But Nephi's seed will fight his brethren's seed. And it will be awful to look at. Seed fighting seed everywhere.
I doubt if there has been so much contending seed in a single paragraph since time began. 12:19-20
Finally, the chapter comes to a thrilling conclusion with the angel showing Nephi what will happen to the seed of his
brethren that dwindle in unbelief: they will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people. (Which, according to
the BoM, is the origin of the Native Americans.) 12:22-23
Nephi sees the "great and abominable church" and its founder, the devil.
13:6
The angel shows Nephi a Google Earth view of the Atlantic Ocean (the "many waters") that divides the old and new worlds.
13:10
The angel shows Nephi
Christopher Columbus crossing the "many waters" in 1492 to visit the native Americans. 13:12
These "other Gentiles" were the Pilgrims arriving at Plymouth Rock in 1620. 13:13
The Nephites were "white and exceedingly fair." 13:15
"The Gentiles ... did humble themselves before the Lord; and the power of the Lord was with them." 13:16
The "mother Gentiles" are the English and the "battle" is the Revolutionary War. 13:17
God helped the American colonists win the Revolutionary War. 13:18
God helped the Americans win all their other wars too. (Except maybe the Vietnam war.) 13:19
The angel shows Nephi a book that "procedeth out of the mouth of a Jew"
(the Bible, which was a lot like the brass plates). The good American white people that God liked so much carried this
book around with them. 13:20-24
Good news for "gentiles" in "the promised land." ("Gentiles" are non-Mormons and "the promised land" is
the United States in Mormon-speak). All you have to do is become a Mormon and then you will be blessed by God
(otherwise you're going to hell). 14:1-2
The Catholic church was founded by the devil to lead souls to hell. 14:3
f you're a gentile, you've only got two choices: become a Mormon or fall into the Catholic pit that leads to hell.
14:5-6
The angel tells Nephi that the lamb of God (Jesus) says that the time will come (2423 years later) when a 17 year old treasure
digger from New York (Joseph Smith) will find some golden plates and translate them by staring into his hat at some magic rocks and
thereby produce the "great and marvelous work" that we now know as the Book of Mormon. This book is, according to the angel, the best
and most important book by far that you, me, or anyone else will ever read. And we'll be tortured forever after we die unless
we believe it. 14:7
There are only two churches: the church of the Lamb of God, and the church of the devil. You either
belong to the good church or the bad church (the mother of abominations, the whore of all the earth,
whose founder is the devil). 14:10
The angel showed Nephi the Mormon church (the church of the Lamb of God). There weren't many Mormons, though, because of that
fucking whore that sat on many waters (the Catholic Church). 14:12
God hated pretty much everyone on earth (they were all just a bunch of Catholics to him) until the Mormons showed up.
14:15-17
The angel told Nephi to look over there. You see that guy in the white robe? That's the apostle John who will write the Book of
Revelation about 700 years from now. (Which doesn't make a lot of sense since the apostle John didn't write Revelation, but oh well.)
14:18-22, 27
The white-robed guy will write things that are just and true just like everything else that is written in
"the book that proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew." ("The book that prceeded out of the mouth of the Jew"
is BoM-speak for the Bible.) 14:23
That's all Nephi is going to say about that. The angel won't let him say any more. So don't ask. But the angel showed Nephi lots of other
cool stuff that he can't tell you about right now. 14:28
Finally the angel stopped talking and Nephi quit writing down the things that he saw while he got all carried away. But it's all true.
And thus it is. Amen. 10-4 good buddy. Over and out. 14:29
Remember back in chapter 8 when Lehi had a dream about a tree? Yeah, well, it's back again. And this time it's causing trouble
for Nephi's brothers. You see, they just couldn't figure it all out. What was it, anyway? And who cares? A crazy old man dreams about
a tree and they're supposed to believe it has some cosmic significance, some deep spiritual meaning? Well, yes they are. This is the
Book of Mormon after all. 15:1-7
Of course the main problem with Nephi's brothers was that they didn't inquire of the Lord enough. It's nearly impossible to believe complete and obvious
bullshit without God's help. 15:8-9
Another reason they didn't believe the stuff about the tree is that they were such evil bastards. They didn't follow the commandments and their
hearts were way too hard. 15:10-11
So Nephi explained it all to them again. The grafting of the branches thing is all about Joseph Smith who will (2423 years later)
find and translate the golden plates and thereby produce the Book of Mormon that will bring "the fulness of the gospel" to the
Gentiles. (And if that isn't perfectly obvious to you, you are an evil bastard that hasn't inquired of the Lord.)
15:13
Nephi says that someday the Native Americans (who centuries later will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and
abominable people for dwindling in unbelief) will all become Mormons and be saved. (I suppose God will then make them fair ,
white, and delightsome like good Mormons are today.) 15:14
Nephi goes on to explain the tree, iron rod, and river to his hard-hearted evil brothers. 15:20
There's an "awful gulf" that separates the wicked from the saints. 15:28
If your works are filthy, then you are filthy. And if you're filthy, you can't go to heaven because you'd make God's
kingdom filthy. 15:33
But, you see, the kingdom of God isn't filthy, so God had to make a filthy place to put filthy people after they die.
15:34
And thus it is and so on and so forth. Amen. 15:36
Nephi, his brothers, and Zoram (Laban's servant) all got married to Ishmael's nameless daughters. It was a group wedding
with Lehi serving as the Reverend Moon, saying stuff like, "Do you [Nephi, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, Zoram] take what's her name here
to be your lawfully wedded wife?" 16:7
After getting that all taken care of, God showed Lehi something really interesting. A magic brass ball of curious
workmanship that was designed and made by God himself! God's magic ball had two spindles on it, one pointing the way to go
and the other pointing in some other direction. 16:10
So now that they had their magic ball, they packed up camp, gathered seeds of every kind, crossed the River Laman, and
took off in whatever direction God's brass ball pointed. After traveling for four days in a SSE direction, they set up camp at
a place they called Shazer. (Notice how Joseph Smith Nephi gives names to pretty much every place they pass by, but didn't
bother to tell us the name of his wife.) 16:11-13
They followed God's magic ball around for "the space of many days" in "the more fertile parts of the wilderness,"
killing stuff for food with their bows and arrows and slings. 16:15-16
And then it came to pass that Nephi broke his steel bow. Of course steel didn't exist at the time, wouldn't work
well for a bow anyway, and would be hard to break. But, oh well. This is the Book of Mormon. 16:18
Apparently none of the other bows worked either, because after Nephi broke his no one else could kill a
thing. 16:19
So everyone "began to murmur exceedingly." Heck even Nephi's dad, Lehi, "began to murmur against the Lord."
16:20
So Nephi made another bow and arrow out of wood and a straight stick. But Nephi didn't know where to hunt
with his new bow. So he asked his dad (when he had stopped murmuring). 16:23
Lehi inquired of the Lord (Hey God. Where should Nephi go to kill some animals?) Then voice of the Lord
came to Lehi telling him to look on the magic ball where he'd find a text message from God. 16:25-26
And it came to pass that when they saw the text message from God they did fear and tremble exceedingly. 16:27
Now the magic brass ball didn't work like a magic 8 ball. Magic 8 balls work all of the time for everyone, whereas the brass ball
only works if you believe it will work. And, of course, Nephi believed anything and everything, the crazier the better. So the pointers
pointed in just the right directions if you believed that they pointed in just the right directions. (That's the way dousing works too.)
16:28
But the coolest thing of all was the text messages. They "changed from time to time" according to the faith of the person
reading the message. 16:29
The message on the brass ball told Nephi to go to the top of the mountain. 16:30
So Nephi went to the mountain top to kill wild beasts. 16:31
After eating the wild beasts, they traveled for the space of many days. 16:33
Then Ishmael dies, his daughters mourn exceedingly, and Nephi's brothers and Ishmael's sons decide to kill Nephi and
Lehi. 16:34-37
But then the voice of God stopped by to talk for a while. He gave them some food so they decided not to kill Nephi and
Lehi. 16:39
Nephi breaks his bow, "which was made of fine steel." But the technology for making
steel did not exist in 600 BCE. 16:18
God told Lehi to look at the brass ball and read the words written upon it. And when
he read the words "he did fear and tremble exceedingly." 16:26
The pointers on the ball work according to the faith of its user.
16:28
And the words written on the ball change according to the faith of its user.
16:29
So Nephi found his way to the top of the mountain by following the instructions
that were written on the ball. 16:30
In the last chapter, God gave Nephi a magic ball that pointed in the direction that God wanted him to go and even told
Nephi where to kill wild beasts. All this happened within in single year: 600 BCE. Now it was time for some serious traveling.
17:1a
They waded through much affliction and their nameless women bore children in the wilderness. 17:1b
God fed them raw meat, their women gave plenty of suck, and the children grew up quickly, becoming as strong as men during
the eight year journey. 17:2-4
After eight years of wading through affliction, eating raw meat, and getting plenty of suck, they arrived at a land they
called Bountiful (because of its much fruit and also wild honey). And they saw the sea which they called Irreantum, which, being
interpreted, means nothing at all. 17:5
Then it came to pass after a space of many days that he, Nephi, heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Arise, get thee into
the mountain." So Nephi got into the mountain and cried unto the Lord. 17:7
While Nephi was crying on the mountain top, God told him to build a ship. 17:8
Nephi asked God where he would find the ore to make the metal to make the tools to make the ship. 17:9
But it was no big deal. God showed Nephi where to find the ore to make the tools. 17:10
Nephi made a bellows from the skin of beasts so he could blow on a fire, which he made by striking two stones together.
17:11
Up to this time, you see, Nephi et al had no fire as they journeyed through the wilderness. They ate raw meat, which God
sweetened for them. 17:12
So Nephi was pretty much all set. God showed Nephi where to mine the ore, from which he made ship-building tools using
his trusty beast-skin bellows and striking stones. 17:16
But when Nephi's brothers saw what he was doing they began to murmur against him. 17:17
Whereupon Nephi began a long, boring 1000-word sermon. 17:19-47
Among many other things, Nephi told his brothers that God
straitens murmurers by sending fiery flying serpents to bite and kill them. (See Numbers 21:6)
17:41
Then Nephi reminded them about stuff they'd already seen on the trip: talking angels from time to time that sometimes
whispered and sometimes screamed so loudly that the earth shook. 17:45
But Nephi's brothers were tired of Nephi and his screaming angels. So they tried to throw him into the sea. It didn't
work, though, because Nephi he was filled with the power of God even to the consuming of his flesh and whoever touched him would
wither like a dried reed. 17:48
Nephi kept talking on and on about many things to his brothers. Finally Nephi's brothers gave up and durst not touch
Nephi with their fingers for the space of many days. 17:52
Still, God wasn't completely satisfied. He decided not to wither Nephi's brothers like dried reeds, but to shock
the hell out of them instead. Just to show off a bit. 17:53
And it came to pass that Nephi stretched forth his hand to his brethren and they didn't wither, but the Lord did shake them,
just like he said that he would. 17:54
And that did the trick. After God shocked Nephi's brothers they knew of a surety that God was with Nephi. They even wanted to
worship Nephi, but Nephi told them not to, saying, "Oh My Heck, you guys, I'm just your younger brother." 17:55
Lehi and company didn't have to cook their food because God made it taste
good raw. 17:12
God "sent fiery flying serpents" to bite people. 17:41
God shows Nephi how to work timbers of curious workmanship. 18:1
Nephi explains (several times in the same verse) that he didn't work the timbers after the
manner of men, but in the manner that God showed him. 18:2
The ship took less than two verses to build, but by all accounts it turned out exceedingly fine. 18:4
When it was finished, they gathered up their stuff and boarded their unnamed ship, every one according to his age.
18:5-6
After they all got on board, they sailed off toward the promised land (America in BoM-speak). 18:8
And then, after the space of many days, there was mutiny on the nameless ship. (Nephi didn't keep much of a log. Everything
happens "after a space of many days.") Nephi's brothers, Ishmael's sons, and all their wives began to merrily dance, sing, and speak
with exceeding rudeness. 18:9
So he, Nephi, began to fear exceedingly that God would smite them for dancing, singing, and carrying on like that. So he
spoke to them with much soberness. But they all said unto him in unison, "Fuck off, little brother." 18:10
Finally, Laman and Lemuel got so sick of Nephi's pompous ass that they tied him up again (See 1 Nephi 7:16).
18:11
So they didn't know which way to steer. And then a great and terrible tempest came up for the space of three days.
Everyone was exceedingly frightened. Still, they didn't untie Nephi. 18:13
The tempest became exceedingly sore on the fourth day. 18:14
And just when they were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea, they untied Nephi,
whose wrists and ankles had swollen exceedingly and great was the soreness thereof. 18:15
Still, Nephi didn't murmur against the Lord but praised him all day long. 18:16
Nephi's dad said many things to the mutineers, but they ignored him. The rude behavior of their children
sickened Lehi and his wife Sariah. (They were "stricken in years" and about to die even though they just had a
couple of baby boys a few verses ago. See 1 Nephi 18:7) 18:17-18
Poor little Jacob and Joseph were in need of much nourishment (Was Sariah still breastfeeding them?) and
Nephi's nameless wife cried and prayed, along with Nephi's nameless children. 18:19
Finally they untied Nephi. The magic compass magically started working again and there was a great calm.
18:21
I guess the calm didn't last forever, though, because the ship began to sail again toward the promised land.
18:22
And after the space of many days, they arrived in the promised land. (And they did call it the promised land.) 18:23
After arriving, they began to plant the seeds that they brought with them. 18:24
Nephi found cows, horses, oxen, and asses when he arrived in the New World in 590 BCE. (None of these domesticated animals
existed in North America before the Europeans brought them over 2000 years later.) 18:25a
And they found lots of gold, silver, and copper. 18:25b
God tells Nephi to make another set of brass plates. (This is his third set, I think -- not counting Lehi's.) I guess you just can't have too many plates.
19:1
On his third set of plates, Nephi only included the "more plain and
precious parts," leaving out any unnecessary words, as you'd expect from someone engraving on plates of ore. 19:2-5
Nephi didn't write anything on the plates unless it was sacred. 19:6a
Nephi says that whatever he wrote on the plates was sacred. But he admits that he
might make some mistakes, just like they (the guys who wrote the bible) did. Not that
he's making any excuses, of course. 19:6b
Jesus will be born 600 years after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem (and 592 years after Nephi wrote the prophecy
down in his little brass book.) 19:8
Since these prophesies about Christ are not found in Old Testament, Joseph
Smith makes a few prophets up: Zeonock, Neum, and Zenos. These three prophets knew all about Jesus. He'd be crucified,
buried in a sepulchre, and after his death, there'd be three days of darkness. Three days of darkness? Yeah, that's what Zenos prophesied. The entire earth would be completely dark for three days after Jesus'
death (See 3 Nephi 8:20-22 and
Helaman 14:27 for the exciting details), as a sign to
Lehi's descendants in "the isles of the sea" (the Lamanites in America and Polynesia). Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three
guys agree on.) But that's because the
evil Catholics changed the plain and precious parts of the Bible. 19:10
Zenos prophesied further that mountains would be carried away
after Jesus died, along with lots of other nutty stuff. (See 3 Nephi 8 where
cities sunk, mountains were moved and dumped upon cities, etc.) 19:11-12
And finally, Nephi says he's going to swipe a couple of chapters from
the book of Isaiah as a bit of filler for his plates of brass. 19:22-23
Joseph Smith Nephi loved the phrase "and it came to pass." So why did he remove it
from Isaiah 48:3? 20:3
How could Nephi, supposedly writing this around 590 BCE, quote words from the book of Malachi, which
was not yet written? 22:15
Notice that this verse (which was supposed to have been written around 600 BCE) quotes Peter's paraphrase of
Deuteronomy 18:15, 18-19, rather than the Old Testament verses themselves.
22:20
Chapters 1-2: Second Nephi begins with Lehi rehearsing and rehashing the same old stories from Nephi's first book.
Chapters 1-2
Joseph Smith got a little carried away with the fruit of various loins. In a single chapter (3) he mentions
"fruit of my (his or thy) loins" 21 times. Verse 12 must set an all time record for fruits of loins: 5.
3:4, 5, 6,
7(3), 11(2), 12(5),
14, 18(4), 19(2),
21
Joseph Smith makes some modest prophecies about himself. He will be a choice seer, esteemed highly, and
shall do "a work of great worth." He will be great in God's eyes, like Moses, and will do God's work. He will bring
forth God's word, confound false doctrines, establish peace, and bring knowledge in the latter days. All those who seek
to destroy him will be confounded. He will be like God and will bring God's people to salvation. He will have exceeding faith,
work mighty wonders, and do what is great in the sight of God. 3:6-24
Chapter 4 is a total waste of a golden plate. The 1350 or so words can be summed up with just two: Lehi died. 4:12
Chapter 5 begins with Nephi's brothers rebelling against him again.
(See here,
here,
here,
here,
here, and
here for previous rebellions.) Nephi cries to the Lord. After his
brothers try to kill him, God tells Nephi to leave and take his brown-nosing family and fiends with him. 5:1-6
So they took all their stuff and camped out for a while at a place they called Nephi, where they decided to be called the people
of Nephi (Nephites). 5:7-9
Nephi brought along the brass plates and the magic ball (or compass) that God made with his own hands. This was
about 1600 years before compasses
were used in navigation. 5:12
Nephi teaches his followers to build buildings and work in iron, copper, brass, steel, gold, and silver.
But evidence is lacking for such pre-Columbian metallurgy, and it would be well beyond the capabilities of a handful of
immigrants from the ancient Near-East around 590 BCE. 5:15
The Nephites built a temple, like Solomon's but with not quite as many precious things. According to the
bible (2 Chr.2:2), it took 150,000 men seven years to build the temple, but Nephites crew
of a dozen or so men managed just fine. 5:16
Then the people of Nephi who lived in a place called Nephi wanted to make Nephi their king. But Nephi said they should
have no king. So Nephi became their ruler instead. 5:18-19
Everything was exceedingly good with the Nephites. Nephi made priests out of his little brothers, Jacob and Joseph.
Everyone was perfectly happy. And Nephi wrote stuff down on his plates. 5:26-29
God told Nephi to write some other stuff down on some other plates. He told him to only write stuff that was pleasing
to God. And that's what he did. 5:30-33
But Nephi only going to say this about that: 40 years passed and there were wars and whatnot. 5:34
Jacob (Nephi's newly-ordained little brother) gives a long, boring speech about "exceedingly many things." 6:2-3
God cut Rahab (the sea
monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 8:9-10
Jacob threw in a couple more chapters from Isaiah
(see chapters 7 and 8) so that 2400 years later the true (LDS) church would know the covenants that God had covenanted with the Jews
(who will all have become Mormons by then). 9:1-2
After the Isaiah break, Jacob returned to his 19th century, frontier American, Protestant sermon, which he delivered to the Nephites circa 550 BCE, warning them that they will all burn in hell
unless they repent and believe in someone (Jesus H. Christ) who will not exist for another six centuries or so. 9:3-54
Jacob takes off all his clothes and shakes them in front of his brethren, exposing himself in all of his glorious blood-free brightness to God's all-searching eye. 9:44
The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers. 10:9
God gave the entire Western Hemisphere to the Mormon Church, but he blesses non-Mormon, non-Catholic, white Christians ("Gentiles" in Mormon-speak) too. 10:10
God will protect and strengthen America (since it's his favorite country). 10:12
Non-Mormon Americans ("Gentiles") are the new Jews and will be both naughty and nice to Mormons, depending on how God feels at the moment. 10:18
America was consecrated by God to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). God likes America better than any other
country. All Americans will someday worship God and become Mormons. 10:19
Jacob tells the Nephites that they are on an isle of the sea, and since the Bible mentions "isles of the sea" (see for example Isaiah 24:15),
there must be other isles that are inhabited by the descendants of other ancient seafaring Jews. (As I'm sure you've guessed by now, the other inhabitants of the "isles of the sea" are the
Polynesians.) 10:20-21
"Jacob spake many more things to my people at that time; nevertheless only these things have I caused to be written, for the things which I have written sufficeth me."
Yeah, Nephi, the things you have written suffieth me, too. I don't think I could take any more of Jacob's bullshit. 11:1
Nehi's soul delights in making things up about Jesus. 11:4-7
God will make sweet smelling things stink and people with hair, bald. 13:24
After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up
"a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 14:4-5
"The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 17:18
"The Lord [will] shave with a razor ... the head and hair of the feet," where "hair" and "feet" are biblical
euphemisms for pubic hair and male sexual organs, respectively. 17:20
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells
Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 18:3
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the
wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 21:4
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders.
Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they
continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 21:6
"And the weaned child shall put his hand in the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a
cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 21:8,
30:14
When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 23:13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 23:21-22
Notice that Joseph Smith threw in another "and it shall came to pass" into verse 4, even though it was missing from the
verse (Isaiah 14:4) he was copying from. I guess he just couldn't resist!
24:4
"Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying
serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 24:29
Nephi's "soul delighteth in in the words of Isaiah." That's probably why he included 13 consecutive
chapters from Isaiah. (2 Ne.12-24) 25:5
The Lord "will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder" (The Book of Mormon). 25:17
Joseph Smith (or Nephi) repeats the bible stories about the fiery serpents
(Num. 21:6-9) and the water-bearing
rock (Ex.17:6, Num.20:11). He figures that if you
believe those stories, you'll believe his as well. 25:20
God will destroy (in various ways) those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:15
God won't give good stuff to those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:17
God will get the Gentiles to kill all those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:19
The devil is the founder of all those "secret combinations." 26:22
People should work for Zion (the Mormon church) not for money. 26:31
The Book of Mormon will be sealed until God delivers it to a man. (Gosh, could that man be Joseph
Smith?) 27:7-9
"Wo be unto him that rejecteth the word of God! (By "word of God" Joseph Smith means the
Book of Mormon.) 27:14
The Book of Mormon is "a marvelous work and an wonder." 27:26
The Book of Mormon refers to itself as "a marvelous work" of God. 29:1
Another marvelous BoM prophecy: many shall say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible." And they certainly have.
This is especially amazing since this prophecy was allegedly made around 550 BCE, long before either the canon or the
name of the "Bible" existed. 29:3
Fools will say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more (damned) Bible." 29:6
Before many generations pass, Native Americans will convert to Mormonism, their skins will turn white, and they
will become a "delightsome" people. 30:6
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth; and with the breath of his mouth he shall slay the wicked."
How's that for some bad breath? 30:9
Those who reject the Book of Mormon are of the devil. 33:5
Those who believe in Christ will also believe in the Book of Mormon. 33:10
Lehi, a 7th century Israelite, was taught in the language of the Egyptians. 1:4
A seer is greater than a prophet. He is a revelator with a Divine gift that is greater than all others.
8:15
"And a fifth part of their ziff"
Oh no! Zeniff made the people give up a fifth of the ziff! Now that would be hard to live with. 11:3
"King Noah built many elegant and spacious buildings" ornamented with gold, silver, iron, brass, copper, and ziff.
Why is there no evidence for these fancy buildings? There were many of them, decorated with gold and silver. Where are they now? And
the metallurgy technology for iron and brass didn't exist prior to European contact. But there was plenty of ziff around at the time
so that wouldn't have been a problem. 11:8
God will smite his people with sore afflictions, famine, pestilence, and will cause them to howl all
the day long. 12:4
"Yea, even doth not Isaiah say:"
Joseph Smith adds another chapter from Isaiah (53) as filler. 14:1
All this was done in Mormon, yea, by the waters of Mormon, in the forest
that was near the waters of Mormon; yea, the place of Mormon, the waters of Mormon, the forest of Mormon.
18:30
The evil Amulon put guards on Alma and his people, ordering them to kill whoever prays outloud.
24:11
Mosiah translated the Jaredite plates by looking at stones in the bottom of a hat -- just like Joseph
Smith did with the Book of Mormon! 28:13
A seer is someone who can translate things by looking at stones in the bottom of a hat.
28:16
The Jaredite sailed to the New World after God confounded human language at the Tower of Babel.
28:17
Whosoever did not belong to the church of God began to persecute those that did belong to the
church of God."
Non-believers persecuted believers because the believers were just so darned humble.
1:19-20
Those who didn't belong to the right church were lazy, wicked, babbling, idolatrous, proud people who
were all a bunch of thieves and murderers. 1:32
The Lord did hear their cries [he had his hearing aid on], ... and the Lamanites and Amlicites did fall
before them. 2:28
The Lamanites were naked, and their skins were dark because of a curse from God. 3:5-6
God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to keep them separate from the Nephites.
3:8
Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God and will "bring the same curse
upon his seed." (Their children will have dark skins.) 3:9
Whoever is led away by the Lamanites will have "a mark set upon him." (God will darken his skin?)
3:10
God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to forever separate them from the Nephites.
3:14
Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God. (They and their children will have dark skins.)
3:15
If you are not a sheep of the good shepherd, the devil is your shepherd. 5:39
The bible is wrong about Jesus being born in Bethlehem (see Luke
2:4-7). He was (according to the Book of Mormon) born in Jerusalem. 7:10
He who is filthy shall remain in his filthiness. 7:21
Now the reckoning is thus -- a senine of gold, a seon of gold, a shum of gold, and a limnah of gold.
A senum of silver, an amnor of silver, an ezrom of silver, and an onti of silver. A senum of silver was equal to a senine
of gold ... ... Now an antion of gold is equal to three shiblons. 11:5-19
Jesus is both the "Son of God" and "the very Eternal Father." 11:38-39
The land was covered with many rotting dead bodies. It stunk so bad that the land wasn't occupied for many
years. 16:11
The fifth day of the second month of the eleventh year -- this useless (but biblical sounding) information is
repeated twice in the same verse. 16:1
Ammon carried the arms that he had cut off to show to the king. 17:39
Wouldn't you just know it? The Lamanites (Native Americans) refer to God as "the Great Spirit." (18:2, 3,
4, 5, 11, 18, 26, 28) 18:2
Ammon, being filled with the Spirit of God, brags a bit about killing people with his sling and chopping
off arms. 18:16
"Others say that he is dead and that he stinketh ... but as mor myself, to me he doth not stink."
19:5
Joseph Smith used "behold" 27 times in this chapter. This may be the most "beholds" in any chapter in
literature. (The most it's ever used in the King James Version is 21 in Lev.13.)
26:1
Korihor (who spoke the plain and simple truth) was the Anti-Christ. 30:12
Alma refuses, saying that Korihor has signs enough. Others believe in God, so he should too.
There is the bible, and the earth and its motions, and the planets. (Of course none of this is evidence for the existence of a
God.) 30:44
The Book of Mormon agrees with Archie Bunker, who said: "It ain't supposed to make
sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe."
32:18
The absurd story about the God's fiery serpents and the graven image snakebite cure
(Numbers 21:6-8) is repeated here. 33:19
When it comes to religion, Mormons believe in experimenting. Just believe and see what happens. If it feels good,
believe it. 32:36, 34:4
The magic ball, director, Liahona, or compass. This was the gadget that God gave Nephi for navigation. It worked "according to
their faith in God." 37:38-40
Alma tries (and fails) to explain how it is just for God to torment perople forever in hell.
42:1
The Nephites were all "Christians", "true believers of Christ" -- 73 or so years before Christ was born,
and well over 100 years before the Bible (Acts 11:26) claims the followers of
Christ were first called "Christians". 46:13-16
The Nephites were called "Christians" 70 years before Jesus was born. 48:10
"God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, ... God ... would prosper them in the land."
48:15
Amalickiah "was exceedingly wroth" and swore the he would drink Moroni's blood "because Moroni had kept
the commandments of God." 49:27
"From the west sea [Pacific], even unto the east [Atlantic]; it being a day's journey for a Nephite."
(Nephites could walk 5000 kilometers in one day.) 4:7
The only way anyone can be saved is "through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ." This statement was
supposedly made in 30 BCE! 5:9
Lehi and Nephi stood in the middle of a raging fire, but were not burned. 5:23
"And behold the voice came again, saying: ..."(And the earth shook again.) 5:32
And the voice came for the third time speaking "marvelous words." And (of course) the earth shook again.
5:33
The faces of Nephi and Lehi "did shine exceedingly." (Just like the faces of angels!) 5:36
Nephi and Lehi "converse with the angels of God." 5:39
Everyone shouted to the voice in the clouds and "the cloud of darkness was dispersed."
5:42
Everyone was encircled with a pillar of fire, yet they were not burned. 5:43
The Holy Spirit came down from heaven and entered the peoples' hearts. "And they could speak forth marvelous
words." 5:45
And "a pleasant voice" came from out of the sky, saying ... 5:46
And then the sky opened and angels came out "and ministered unto them." 5:48
Those who reject the word of God (the Bible and Book of Mormon?) and "all the preaching and prophesying" are
"grossly wicked". 6:2
The absurd story about the God's fiery serpents and the graven image snakebite cure
(Numbers 21:6-8) is repeated here. 8:15
God gives Nephi the power to "smite the earth with famine, and with pestilence, and destruction."
10:6
If Nephi commands a mountain to be "cast down and to become smooth, it shall be done."
10:9
Nephi asks God to send a famine on the land. "And so it was done, according to the words of
Nephi. ... And the whole earth was smitten," causing thousands of people to starve to death.
11:4-6
After a couple years of starving thousands of people to death, God finally makes it rain when
asked to by Nephi. 11:14-16
Nephi and Lehi had many daily revelations from God. 11:23
Another amazing prophecy: In five years the Son of God will come. And this was (according to my motel room
version of the BoM) in the year 6 BCE! 14:2
Wow! The night before Jesus was born there were great lights in the sky that made the night as bright
as day! 41:3
"And behold this is not all, there shall be many signs and wonders in heaven." 14:6
Jesus Christ is both the Son of God and his own Father! (Or something like that.) 14:12
When Jesus dies (Remember this prophecy was made before Jesus had even been born!) it will be
absolutely dark for three days and nights. No sun, moon, stars, candles, or campfires.
14:20, 27
When Jesus dies mountains will become valleys and vice versa, cities destroyed, and dead
people will come back to life. 14:23-25
The Spirit of the Lord was with Samuel, so the unbelievers' stones and arrows couldn't hit him.
16:2
"They began to reason ... that it is not reasonable" for Christ to be both the Father and the Son or that
such a being would come to earth. And if he does exist, why doesn't he show himself to them?
16:17-18
"The unbelievers" set aside a day just to kill believers. (They called it "National kill a believer day.")
1:9
God makes a repetitive and rambling speech announcing his own birth. He says that he'll be born tommorow.
And that later that evening "a sign would be given." 1:12-13
And God's prophecy came true! That night "there was no darkness when night came ... but it was as light as thought it
was mid-day." 1:15, 19
God removed his curse from the "good" Lamanites (the ones that "united with the Nephites"), and they "became
exceedingly fair, with skins "white like unto the Nephites." 2:14-16
All of the Nephites believed everything they'd been told by "all of the holy prophets." 5:1
"And thus had the twenty and second year passed away, and the twenty and third year also, and
the twenty and fourth, and the twenty and fifth; and thus had twenty and five years passed away."
5:7
In the name of Jesus, Nephi casts out devils and "unclean spirits". He even raises his brother from the dead.
7:19
When Jesus died, the inhabitants of many great cities died with him. Entire cities were
sunk into the ocean, or were burned, or destroyed by earthquakes. 8:8-10, 14
When Jesus died, "the face of the whole earth became deformed." 8:17-18
For three days after Jesus died, there was absolutely no light -- not from the sun, moon,
or stars, or from candles, campfires, or fireflies. 8:20-22
And it came to pass that a voice (from the sky) was heard by every human on the planet!
9:1
The sky voice makes a long speech decrying the slaughter of his "fair sons and daughters." (That would be
the Nephites. The dark skinned folks are the Lamanites.) 9:2
These words ("I am the Alpha and Omega") are taken from the book of Revelation, which was not written at the
time (34 CE). And they wouldn't have meant anything anyway to the Nephites since "alpha" and "omega" would have been
greek to them. 9:18
All of the people again heard a disembodied voice from the sky. 10:3
The bodyless, repetitive voice said: "How oft have I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings....
How oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings....
How oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens....
How oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings...." 10:4-6
Damned if everyone doesn't hear a voice from the sky again -- for the third time! (See chapters
9 and 10 for the first two speeches by the sky guy.) But they
couldn't understand it this time. 11:3
And they hear the voice again (for the fourth time), but again they couldn't understand it.
11:4
"And behold, the third time" (or the fifth?) they heard the voice. But this time they undersood!
11:5
Then the crowd saw a man coming down from the sky! 11:8
"And the Lord said unto him: I give unto you power that ye shall baptize this people."
Jesus gives Nephi the power to baptize, which is kind of weird since Nephi had baptized pretty much everyone already (see
3 Nephi 1:23, 7:24-26, and 9:20).
11:21
Jesus says that he wants everyone to agree on everything with ragard to religion. He says that whoever
argues with anyone about anything is "of the devil." 11:28-29
Jesus' bowels are filled with compassion and mercy. 17:6-7
After they were blessed by Jesus, the disciples became whiter than anything else on earth.
19:25
The disciples were white -- as white as Jesus! 19:30
Some folks "dwindle in unbelief" because of their iniquity. 21:5
Note that "Sun" in Malachi 4:2 is changed to "Son" in the BOM.
25:2
The elements will melt, the earth will be rolled up like a scroll, and heaven and earth will
pass away. 26:3
Nothing can stop the followers of Jesus. Prisons can't hold them, fire can't burn them, and wild animals can't harm them.
28:19-22
"The thirty and fourth year passed away, and also the thirty and fifth." 1
In the 36th year everyone became a Christian and everyone behaved perfectly.
2
"There were great and marvelous works wrought by the disciples of Jesus."
The sick, dead, lame, blind, and deaf were all fixed up as good as new. 5
"And thus did the thirty and eighth year pass away, and also the thirty and ninth, and forty and first,
and the forty and second, yea, even until forty and nine years had passed away, and also the fifty and first, and the
fifty and second; yea, and even until fifty and nine years had passed." 6
"The people of Nephi ... became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people."
(God especially likes white people.) 10
"There was no contention among all the people, in all the land; but there were
mighty miracles." 13
"And it came to pass that the seventy and first year passed away, and also the seventy and second year,
yea, and in fine, till the seventy and ninth year had passed away; yea, even an hundred years had passed away."
(The 71 - 100th years passed.) 14
"There was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did
dwell in the hearts of the people." (Everyone loved everyone else.) 15
Everyone was perfectly happy. No lies were told, no murders committed, not a single envious thought or discouraging word
could be found among all the people. 16-17
All was well until a few of the people revolted against the church and began to call themselves Lamanites. So there
were Lamanites in the land again. 20
The bad guys threw the good guys into furnaces and dens of wild beasts, but the fire didn't burn them and they just played with the
beasts. 32-33
"And now, behold, I would speak somewhat unto the remnant of this people who are spared, if it so be that God
may give unto them my words, that they may know of the things of their fathers; yea, I speak unto you, ye remnant of the
house of Israel; and these are the words which I speak:" 7:1
Mormon wrote a letter to the Lamanite king asking him to fight a war with the Nephites at hill Cumorah (near Manchester, New York).
6:2-5
Mormon decides to write down a record on the plates of Nephi and bury them on hill Cumorah.
6:6
The Lamanites killed 230,000 Nephite soldiers in one day near hill Cumorah. 6:10-15
"If ye believe that ye will believe this also."
[If you believe the Bible, you will believe anything (including the Book of Mormon).] 7:9
"It [the Book of Mormon] shall be brought out of the earth ... by the power of God." 8:16
"If there be faults [in the Book of Mormon] they be the faults of a man [Joseph Smith]." 8:17
True believers (Mormons) can move mountains, cause earthquakes, destroy prisons, be unharmed by fires, wild beasts, or
poisonous snakes. 8:24
God showed Mormon some of the "great and marvelous things" that were soon to come. 8:34
Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief. 9:20
If you believe in Christ, whatever you ask for will be given to you. 9:21
"These signs shall follow them that believe -- in my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak
with new tongues; they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them; they shall
lay hands on the sick and they shall recover." 9:24
The book of Mormon was written in
"reformed Egyptian". If the plates had of been larger, Moroni would have used Hebrew and there wouldn't have been so many
mistakes. (Reformed Egyptian is a really tricky language.) 9:32-33
Because nobody knows "reformed Egyptian" anymore, God arranged for Joseph Smith to translate them.
9:34
Moroni translated the 24 plates that the people of Limri had found. And although he seems to remember some stuff about Adam, the
tower of Babel, etc., he decided to leave that part out since you can read all about it in the Bible.
1:2-3
A boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 and
Titus 3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.")
1:6-32
"Coriantor was the son of Moron."
Yes, there really is a Moron in the Book of Mormon. 1:7
The Jaredites were Israelites who lived at the time of the Tower of Babel. (Genesis 11:1-9)
1:33
The brother of Jared was a large, mighty (but apparently nameless) man who was "highly favored of the Lord." He cried to the
Lord (two times) and the Lord spared the Jaredites from having their language confounded. 1:34-37
"I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth."
(God likes the New World a lot better than the Old.) 1:42
"There shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all
the face of the earth." (America is the greatest country on earth.) 1:43
"The Lord came down and talked with the brother of Jared; and he was in a cloud, and the brother of Jared saw him not." 2:4
"The Lord did go before them, and did talk with them as he stood in a cloud, and gave directions whither they should travel." 2:5
"A land ... choice above all other lands ... preserved for a righteous people"
God likes America best. He made it for a righteous people (the Mormons), and America will face God's wrath if it fails to please him
(and them). 2:7-10, 15
"The Lord came again unto the brother of Jared, and stood in a cloud and talked with him. And for the space of three
hours did the Lord talk with the brother of Jared." 2:14
Under God's instructions, the Jaredites build small, light barges to travel to
the New World. 2:16
"They were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the
bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish
... and the top thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the length thereof was the length of a tree; and the door thereof,
when it was shut, was tight like unto a dish." (It was as tall as a tree and as tight as a dish.)
2:17
"And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: Behold, thou shalt make a hole in the top, and also in the
bottom; and when thou shalt suffer for air thou shalt unstop the hole and receive air. And if it be so that the water
come in upon thee, behold, ye shall stop the hole, that ye may not perish in the flood." 2:20
"Ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea."
The Jaredites are plunged into "the depths of the sea", but they survive using a magic light that Jesus gives
them. 2:24-25
The brother of Jared made 16 small stones, as clear as glass, out of molten rock. He then
asked God to touch the stones to make them into lights to light up the inside of the barges. God
did as the brother of Jared requested. 3:1-6
"The brother of Jared ... saw the finger of the Lord; and it was as the finger of a man." 3:6
"I [Jared] saw the finger of the Lord, and I feared lest he should smite me; for I knew not that the Lord had
flesh and blood." 3:8
"Because of thy faith thou hast seen ... Sawest thou more than this?"
God let Jared see his finger. But God isn't sure what
else he might have seen, so he asked, "You didn't see anything else, did you?"
3:9
"Behold, the Lord showed himself unto him [the brother of Jared]." 3:13
"Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son."
Jesus is both the Father and the Son! 3:14
"Never have I showed myself unto man whom I have created, for never has man believed in me as thou
hast." 3:15
"Behold, this body, which ye now behold, is the body of my spirit."
Shucks! The body of God that the brother of Jared saw was just God's spirit body, not his real body.
3:16
"He [the brother of Jared] saw the finger of Jesus ... and he had faith no longer,
for he knew, nothing doubting." 3:19
"Ye shall write them in a language that they cannot be read."
God tells the brother of Jared to write his scriptures in a language that no one can read. (Good idea!)
3:22
"These stones shall magnify to the eyes of men these things which ye shall write."
God gives the brother of Jared two magic stones that will "magnify the eyes of men" so that they can read what Jared
writes. 3:23-24
Jesus shows the brother of Jared every human that has lived or ever will live. 3:25
"And he commanded me that I should seal them up; and he also hath commanded that I should seal up
the interpretation thereof; wherefore I have sealed up the interpreters, according to the commandment of
the Lord." (Moroni sealed up the interpreters.) 4:5
"For behold, I am the Father."
Jesus is both the Father and the Son. (He is his own dad.) 4:12
Those who disbelieve in the Book of Mormon are in an "awful state of wickedness."
4:15
"In the mouth of three witnesses shall these things be established."
Who were the three witnesses? The three men that I admire most, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost?
(Didn't they take the last train to the coast?) 5:3-4
God's magic stones were put into the barges, "and behold, they did give light unto the vessels."
6:2-3
"I am fair, and I will dance before him, and I will please him.... I will give her if ye will
bring unto me the head of my father the king."
Gosh, I wonder where this came from? (Matthew 14:6-11)
8:10-12
Avoid all those secret, abominable, murderous, wicked oaths and combinations passed down since the
time of Cain. If you don't, God will have to kill you. 8:15-24
"The Lord did pour out his blessings upon this land, which was choice above all other
lands." 9:20
"Coriantum took to wife, in his old age, a young maid, and begat sons and daughters; wherefore he lived until he was an hundred and forty
and two years old." 9:24
"There came forth poisonous serpents also upon the face of the land, and did poison many people."
9:31
"Lib also did that which was good in the sight of the Lord. And ... the poisonous serpents were
destroyed." 10:19
"A land that was choice above all lands, for the Lord had spoken it." 10:28
To punish the people for "their wicked combinations," God sent wars, famines, and pestilences. The resulting
destruction was the greatest ever seen on the face of the earth -- greater than the flood of Noah, the
destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, or World War II. Yet there is no evidence
for any of this today. 11:7
Moron did that which was wicked before the Lord." 11:14
"They did reject all the words of the prophets, because of their secret society."
11:22
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things..."
Don't you just love the way people talk in the Book of Mormon? 12:6
"When God put forth his finger he could not hide it from the sight of the brother of Jared."
12:20
"The Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing."
12:23-25
The brother of Jared said unto the mountain Zerin, Remove -- and it was removed." 12:30
"The brother of Shared ... received great strength to his army because of secret combinations."
14:8
"One of the secret combinations murdered him in a secret pass." 14:10
"And the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon all the face of the land;
wherefore the people became troubled by day and by night, because of the scent thereof."
(It stank!) 14:23
"There had been slain two millions of mighty men, and also their wives and their children."
Millions of people were "slain by the sword", yet no swords have ever been found from pre-Columbian America.
15:2
Millions of Jaredites kill each other in battle, leaving only their two leaders alive: Coriantumr and Shiz.
Coriantur cuts of the head of Shiz (with his non-existent sword, of course) and then dies. Don't you
just love a happy ending? 15:30-32
"Whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and
deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil."
7:17
Absurdity in the Book of Mormon
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